Circling the Wagons

It is difficult to even go to the place where I was at this time last year.  The agony of grief was so intense it was impossible to imagine that there would ever be an end to it or a life worth living beyond it.  The pit was deep, slippery and compelling.  I found that there was an undeniable siren call from that abyss that enticed and attracted me.  If you stay in that dark place, you can bury your head and dream of what could have been.  By crawling out, you must face the reality of life.  The complexity of that choice cannot be articulated adequately. 

In recent days I have reviewed the progress made over the past thirteen and a half months.  People said more times that I want to remember that a “new normal” would be found and life would move forward.  Those words might seem to be comforting but they were like a red cloth signaling a bull to me.  The words only bring comfort if you WANT a “new normal.”  As I have written numerous times, my life was amazing and it was agonizing to picture that scenario.  Thus, I questioned and questioned and questioned and was met with profound SILENCE.  The Lord was my very foundation and yet, at the same time, the one I argued with regarding this despised path.  He was so faithful and loved me unreservedly (which totally blows my mind and says everything about HIM).  I suddenly found myself experiencing this “new normal” and was astonished that it had come about even while “rebelling” against it.  Honestly, it was staggering when I experienced a “turning the corner” moment and could acknowledge it.  

Today I turned 58 years old.  Changes in my life are occurring every single day and it is overwhelming to decipher which direction to go.  There has been much deliberation, by me, about my strengths and weaknesses of late and the weaknesses at the top of the list have to be “worry” and “trust issues”(pathetic huh).  Living for TODAY and yet being prepared to move forward, for each and every one of us, is a faith journey.  We must be willing to “step out” and for me, that is a grueling task, the fear of the unknown paralyzing me.  My family and friends should be awarded “medals of honor” for they exemplify, to the letter, what unconditional love and friendship entail.  They have literally “CIRCLED THE WAGONS” around me and loved me back to life.  They have been the hand of Jesus extended and I owe them so much more than can ever be paid back.  They encourage and amaze me on a daily basis and want my happiness above all other.  They give me confidence to “take risks” but to also “take baby steps” as I voyage forward.  There was a day that I considered myself to be a “risk taker” but the challenges of life have made me extremely cautious.  My prayer today is that I seek the wisdom of God in every avenue of my life and know that He will carry me when the road becomes impassible. 

There are no expectations on my part about my future except that every decision I make be a result of prayer and seeking the face of God.  It terrifies me to look beyond TODAY and so I make a commitment to be in quest of the very best God has for me by focusing on this moment and resting my future in HIS very capable hands. 

I love you!

"I know what I'm doing.  I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."  Jeremiah 29, 10b, 11  

The Journey Continues - One Year Later

On a Sunday evening, one year ago, I wrote that my best friend was walking on streets of gold.  To be honest, I was in complete shock.  Never was the thought entertained that Dennis would die in that hospital at barely fifty-eight years of age.  He had such faith, there were literally thousands of people praying for him and he was so incredibly effective with sharing himself and the good news of Jesus with everyone.  As I have reflected on the life Dennis and I shared, it has been almost impossible for me to revisit the day he died.  Most of us have discussed what we hope our (or the ones we love) ending moments will be like.  My mind conjures up a tranquil setting with my loved ones praying and singing hymns over me and then I spot angels or even Jesus himself, with arms wide open, there to transport me to my heavenly reward.  That WAS NOT the case with Dennis.  The ICU unit was a chaotic, turbulent and unpeaceful place.  The nurses and doctors were arduously working over him, attempting to stop the ebb of life to no avail.  When I entertain those moments, my heart beats fast and I find myself dissolving into tears, unable to stay there at all.  It is impossible to know if he realized what was happening, if he was afraid or reluctant or sad.  It was heart-breaking.

Well, a year has come and gone and one might ask what it is that I have learned through this inconceivable journey.  That is an easy question to answer.  The unequivocal truth is that I have learned a volume about MYSELF.  Through the most challenging and painful trials that we face in this life, WHO WE ARE comes through loud and clear.  It is hard to face the myriad of imperfections that make up our life but absolutely necessary in order to come through the fire and continue to be productive as a Christ follower.  There are so many things about ME that God was not surprised with when I began to question Him on a daily basis after Dennis died.  He knows me intimately and therefore He KNEW, without a doubt, that I would be a pistol!  He was not surprised or dismayed by me wanting to know WHY, over and over and over and over again.  Those of you who have followed my ramblings are not surprised either :)  My ordeal began with total shock, which turned into the most agonizing, all-consuming pain I have ever experienced.  From there, acceptance (most of the time anyway) that I will never know the answers but also recognizing that it's okay somehow.  God, in his sovereignty, knew the events of my life before I was even born AND the plan He has for my life.  It was ME who doubted everything.  I have been amazed at His intimate nearness and continual presence.  It is overwhelming to acknowledge that this great God has a wonderful path for me when there is so much about me that shouts, "BLEMISHED, FAULTY, WEAK, INADEQUATE." My prayer is that I continue to chisel away at those imperfections and follow God with fervor and zeal.  

Thank you dear family and friends who have been the only reason (outside of God's help) I haven't toppled under the weight of sorrow.  YOU have been God's hand extended to me.  You have stepped in and made all the difference.  YOU have loved me back from the brink of despair.  YOU have encouraged me JUST when I needed it.  YOU have wiped my tears AND cried with me.  YOU have given me the impetus to hang on. YOU have loved me with all of my many faults.

This year has shown me the following truths:
     *Life is not fair
     *Sometimes it is during the most challenging situations of our life that faith develops
     *The Holy Spirit is ALWAYS available to offer assistance, we just need to ask
     *We MUST think supernaturally - to trust when things seem so messed up
     *To choose joy through difficulties
     *To follow God wholeheartedly, even when we are unsure of what is ahead
     *The necessity to look beyond our ever changing circumstances to the One who is the same, 
     YESTERDAY, TODAY AND FOREVER 
     *To trust God and rest in his sovereignty

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

Please continue to pray for me as I venture forward.  After this school year is over, I am eligible for retirement but have no idea what my life looks like past the last day of school.  There are many uncertainties about what lies ahead BUT I do know the One who holds my future.  God is my center and I rest in HIM.

I love you!
Teena

"Let my cry come right into your presence, God; provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.  Give my request your personal attention, rescue me on the terms of your promise.  Let praise cascade off my lips; after all, you've taught me the truth about life!  And let your promises ring from my tongue; every order you've given is right.  Put your hand out and steady me since I've chosen to live by your counsel."  Psalm 119: 169-173


       
    

Healing in the Valley of the Sun

Grand Canyon July 2011

I boarded the Allegiant flight with mixed emotions on July 26th, 2011.  For those of you who know me well, you wouldn't be surprised as you know that flying is very low on my list of "favorite things."  It wasn't the flight this time though that troubled me, but the fact that I was going to Arizona to attend General Council and judge Fine Arts without being by Dennis' side.  The exciting prospect was spending almost two weeks with Sara and her college roommate and maid of honor, Amber.  Amber lives and teaches school in Mesa and we were going to spend a week with her, in her new home, sight-see and then on to the hotel for Council the following week. 

 My emotions were raw as I attempted to visualize myself at General Council without Dennis.  We had missed only one Council in the 36 years we were married and it was always such fun to just "sit back" and watch Dennis work his magic with people.  He never forgot a name, a connection or an association and always left with more new friends that you can imagine.  I had been asked to judge Fine Arts "in Dennis' place" this year and it was the most intimidating assignment imaginable.  There is NO FILLING DENNIS' PLACE - PERIOD, but somehow I felt it was imperative that he be represented there.  He had given over 25 years of his life to judging young men and women and pouring into their lives in this venue and therefore it had to be done.  It ended up being a highlight and a very healing time for me.  The young men I judged with, Aaron & Nathan, were so gracious to this "old lady" and incredibly talented and resourceful.  It was such an enjoyable time and I can't wait to judge again :)

My time with Sara was priceless and to have Amber as well made everything perfect.  It was surprising to me that I would fall in love with Arizona.  Yes, it was HOT but a dry heat and who could stay focused on the fieriness of the desert with the beauty that surrounded us?  The mountains, cacti, mesquite, rock formations and unbelievably azure sky with those beautifully inflated clouds took my breath away.  The trip to Sedona and to the Grand Canyon cannot be described by me.  There are no words magnificent enough and no camera that can capture the grandeur and splendor that met our eyes.  I saw Dennis everywhere we went.  He was in the splendor of every sunrise and sunset, in the radiant red soil and the majesty of the Grand Canyon.  While at Council I saw him among friends who surrounded us from when "our story" began in 1971.  I cannot count the number of precious friends who assured me they had prayed for me countless times (as well as many of them sending cards and notes and scriptures to encourage me time and time again).  There were those who were unaware until this past week that Dennis had gone on to his eternal reward and we cried together as their grief journey began right then and there.  At the Memorial Breakfast, it was heartbreaking to watch his name scroll across the screen and yet it proved to be another healing moment as well.  I saw him sitting among the judges and the thousands of students gathered to share talent that represented hard work and commitment of gifts dedicated to the Lord.  I could almost catch the sound of his laugh,  hear his encouraging words and see the smile that lit his face as he shared the wonderment of Evangel University.  He was there as we sat in the Airways arena and watched a group of young people perform "nontraditional" percussion, beating on trash cans and crashing their lids while stomping and twirling (he would have applauded their talent and been the first to say how wonderful it was that they were there in Phoenix celebrating Jesus when they could have been anywhere else but...).  I felt him with me every minute and could feel his smile and his pride in me that I was continuing the vision we had together.  I could very nearly hear him say, "I never doubted for a minute that you would continue to move forward.  I'm so proud of you!" It proved to be a corner turned, a healing time, A MIRACLE. 

Sara & Teena at the Grand Canyon - July, 2011

Past, Present & Future -

A few months ago, a friend was wearing a necklace that I admired.  It was somewhat like a relaxed "s" shape with three diamonds set in gold.  She explained that it represented the "past, present & future."  What wonderful symbolism. 

My trip to Texas has been a trip down memory lane.  Arrived in Pampa, TX on Friday and visited with my 1972 roomie from Southwestern, Sharon.  We hadn't seen each other for 39 years but we started talking and it was as though we were 18 years old again.  We have followed each other on Facebook but its not the same as good ole fashioned conversation.  We both decided that thirty-nine years is way too long for good friends to be apart.  We conversed about first loves and the disappointments of life.   After leaving Sharon, drove on to Amarillo to stay with my first cousin Barbara.  Barbara was very close to my mother and her daughter Diana and I were very close growing up.  We had such fun talking "nonstop" about events in each of our lives since being together last.  Barbara lost her husband, Harold, when she was 31 and he was 33 so she could relate to where I am.  It just so happened that the Tascosa High School class of 1971 reunion was this weekend.  Didn't want to go by myself but noticed on the schedule of events that the school would be open on Saturday for a tour.  My brother, Floryan, went with me and we toured the school.  It was as though a time machine abducted me and there I was, a senior roaming those long hauls, talking around the locker and kneeling on the "commons" floor as Ms. Willy measured my skirt to rule if it was long enough or not (it certainly wasn't very long :)  Recalled my high school best friend, Jeanne, sliding down the steps next to the office and me laughing at her (and her NOT appreciating it).  I LOVED HIGH SCHOOL and it was great fun to meet some of my classmates again and reminisce about days gone by.  Afterwards, Floryan drove us past our childhood home and the memories that flooded back of neighbors and childhood friends.   Sunday morning found me at my home church.  Dennis and I attended Southwestern with the Pastor and his wife before any of us were married and, of course, there were friends there who have known me my entire life.  I couldn't leave town without stopping at the cemetery to see Mama and Daddy, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins buried there.  What was once an area with few family gravestones in the Marigold section of Memorial Park is now dense with the remains of those I hold so dear.  It is easy to get caught up in the past.  The past for me is where so many of my family members are and is where Dennis has been for close to a year now.  The problem is, to get stuck in the past is never the Lord's will.  We cannot stay there and move forward at the same time.  The past must be left behind even as we cherish, treasure and hold dear those memories.  

The present and future are more difficult.  Those of you who are well acquainted with me, are very aware of how I like to "know" who, where, why, how, etc.  It is the "unknown" that is disconcerting and yet, the Lord tells us to "take no thought of tomorrow."  We aren't to "borrow" trouble.  (Trouble is NOT what I'm wanting to borrow)  When a young child, Mama would sing the song, "Que Sera Sera."  I would ask her to sing it over and over again.  The lyrics are as follows: 

"When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty, will I be rich?  Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see, Que Sera Sera,  what will be, will be.

The future isn't mine to see.  Moving onward is a trust journey.  Although plans are made, I MUST live this day to the fullest without anguish or apprehension about my impending destiny.  Dennis' death was so unexpected.  Never did I entertain the thought of walking into the winter of my life without him.  It rocked my world and kindled a fire storm of doubt and fear about my future.  I loved being a wife, partner, companion and best friend.  Can I ever be capable of giving and receiving such love again?  Trust is difficult and my conclusion is that I cannot let my need to understand and "know" separate me from a close daily journey with Christ.  "

"Christ is the lover of my soul, understands me perfectly and loves me eternally."  Sarah Young

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.  In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.  Proverbs 3:5-6

Blessing Others - A story of pearls and pumps

My Sara grew up surrounded by people.  Not sure she ever realized how miniature our family really was.  Almost every holiday and special occasion, that was spent in our home, was filled with those who had no where else to be.  There were young couples who couldn't travel "home" for Thanksgiving or Christmas because they were required to work the day before and after the holiday.  There were students financially unable to purchase a ticket overseas to where "home" was.  There were families that didn't have the means or time to get across the country to spend a few days at "home."  There were the older couples, without children of their own, who had no one else to share a special holiday with and didn't want to be "home" alone.  There were elderly friends whose children and grandchildren lived other places and couldn't OR wouldn't see that they had a place to be on special days and "home" seemed at times like a prison.  How painless it was to set a few extra plates to accommodate those who would be by themselves otherwise.  I have incredible memories of Bettye, a widowed lady in her early 80's, who arrived at our house one Christmas noon (picked up and brought by another guest) dressed in her finest, wearing her pearls and pumps.  You would have thought she was attending a State Dinner or High Tea with the Queen of England.  It is impossible, all these years later, to remember how many times Bettye stated that it was the best Christmas she had ever had.  It IS possible to remember how we cried to think that the simple time we spent around the table could have conceivably been her BEST Christmas.  Sara grew up putting puzzles together by the roaring fire Dennis had blazing in the fireplace with people she had never met before that day.  She listened as we took turns around the circle recalling our favorite memories of one holiday or another.  We joined voices with strangers on Christmas Eve's as we walked through nursing homes proclaiming "Joy To the World",  our tears mingling with those residents who were "stuck" in that place all alone.

Any of you who have ever been in our home know how "casual" I entertain.  Dennis was a "people magnet" and couldn't bear the thought of anyone not having somewhere to be.  I always serve buffet style and it is every person for themselves.  Here is the food, GO FOR IT!  You might possibly see the pots and pans piled up near the sink (depending on if there was time to get everything cleared away before the guests started arriving) and me in my apron with spatters of gravy and who knows what else on my face and in my hair.  It concerned me at first that people would be "put off" by my causal ways.  Dennis always assured me that no one cared about that, they were just grateful to be there and have people to share the day with.  You know, he was absolutely right.  No one ever commented about the pots and pans and my spattered hair.  

After so many years of being the one who invited others to my home, I find myself being the one invited by others.  I realize that we tend to be comfortable with our inner circle of family and friends and just don't think to venture out, to enlarge our circle.  Suddenly, it hits me that if other precious friends didn't ask me over on these special occasions, I would be sitting in an empty house by myself.  That is something I can't even fathom - how discouraging and distressing that would be.  A friend on Facebook responded to a post on my wall this week.  I commented on how incredibly blessed by friends who take such care to minister to me and told then that their friendship is priceless.  A friend commented back and said these words:  "You have blessed so many...Reaping time!"  It struck me - the principle of sowing and reaping is true.  WE DO REAP WHAT WE SOW.  Let me make something abundantly clear here, Dennis and I did nothing special.  We are instructed by God to be salt and light, to take care of widows and orphans and "whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them..."  Not a big deal at all UNTIL I am the one in need of being brought into someones circle.

There are precious friends out there who are "doing unto others" with open arms.  Thank you David & Susan who have invited me countless times for every celebration that one can think of and many times for dinner at home.  Thank you Glenn & Fay for planning a birthday dinner, complete with cake and candles, for my Sara two days after her daddy went home to heaven and for my birthday a few weeks later (including my brother and sister-in-law) and for inviting me for every special occasion you can come up with.  Thank you Linda & Mike for your "open door policy" to me and anyone with me and for your prayers and encouragement.  Thank you Chuck & Jo for having me in your home to celebrate Thanksgiving (along with my friend Sherli who was visiting), your dad's birthday and countless other special events including Mother's Day.  Thank you Paul & Kay for including me with "couples" for dinner (it means the world to stay a part of my "old" friend group).  Thank you Bruce & Marsha for having me over so many times I have lost count since our re-acquaintance on President's Day (the first being to celebrate your precious Bethany's birthday).  Thank you Lamar & Jimmie (who have just met me recently) for having me over twice in less than 2 weeks time including Memorial Day and treating me like "one of the kids."  Thank you Rita & Paula for implementing the plan to meet every week for dinner since Dennis died.  Thank you Sandi for making time to meet with me often and to minister to my hurting soul.  Thank you Lois & Jan for always inquiring, if you see me on Sunday, if I have someone to go eat with.  Thank you Sara B. for inviting me numerous times to see a movie or to go eat and for checking on me every single morning at school to make sure I arrived and am okay.  Thank you Peggy for including me in so many special events and keeping in close contact.  Thank you Brenda,  Harold & Kristen for the times you have invited me to special events, picked me up and provided the ticket.  Thank you Lauren, Julianna, Meredith, Desiree, Darrell, Jenna, Zach, JT, Kari, Shawna for being great "kids" to me.  You have cooked, brought flowers, served Mother's Day brunch, cleaned my house and stayed with me during bad weather.  Thank you Bob & Sheryl for how you blessed me when my basement took on water - what would I have done without your hand extended?  I am sure there are others who have been overlooked here but know this:  I love and appreciate you all more than you will ever know.  You have ministered to me through your kindness.

I encourage you to "reach out" to others.  The principle of "sowing and reaping" will bless your life and the lives of your children.

I love you!
Teena  

Water, Worry & Wonder

The past two weeks have been intensive, to say the least.  Springfield weather is usually so unpredictable and this year has proven to be filled with too much of a good thing.  You can't prepare for it and you certainly never get used to it:)  The area experienced major snowfall in February and record rainfall in April and May.  Over a period of 3 days, we racked up greater than 10 inches of rain that had the ground saturated and people ready to build an ark.  During that period of excess rain, some pesky rivulets decided to make their way into my walk-out basement.  Never have we had any moisture or water so it came as a shock.  It was only in one room but it was just one more "something" in a year filled with excess "somethings!"  Thankfully I had the presence of mind to call a wonderful friend, Bob, who had helped Dennis and I get through our 2007 ice storm ordeal.  He agreed to meet me at the house after school.  In the mean time, I called a company to come to see if there was enough water to require it being extracted and the room dried out.  The company arrived before Bob and determined that there wasn't enough water to require extraction but the pad and carpet did need to be dried out to the tune of almost $500.00 a day.  Thankfully Bob arrived and had the equipment necessary to handle the problem.  My downstairs den resembled a scene out of the movie "ET" with plastic taped up to help in the dry out, furniture here and there and the carpet pulled up and draped.  They could have filmed a video for the song "Redneck Woman" down there as well since I had to empty part of my Christmas closet and there were two Christmas trees, stockings, decorative tins and other "out of season" decor all around.  Bob checked the outside wall to the house to find the culprit that created this mess and found a gutter issue.  Let me tell you, IMMEDIATELY I recognized that the Lord had blessed my life with Bob's help and expertise AND with the verdict.  He brought in a load of dirt, some grass seed and a referral for a gutter man.  The gutter company has repaired the gutters, put up a leaf guard and added a few down spouts.  
There was another MIRACLE that was experienced in these past two weeks that I won't go in to but just let me tell you that it was a MAJOR issue. Someone I have never met and might possibly never meet intervened on my behalf and saved me worry, stress and ultimately money.  This wonderful person may never realize how he was used by God to minister to my life. 

Evangel's graduation week was painful as I watched some of my "kids" pack up and move for good.  It was a privilege to be thanked by countless parents who told me that Dennis and I had such an impact on their children and how grateful they would always be.  Well, it was mutual.  Those precious "kids" of ours poured into us, loved us and allowed us to speak into their lives.  What cherished and treasured memories I have to keep me warm in my old age.  Godspeed Bryan, Brian, J.T., Jonathan, Ben & Joshua.  To cap off my miracles, four precious young ladies invited me to "Mother's Day Brunch" at their house, gave me a card they each wrote in that made me cry and a vase with beautiful flowers.  I was missing my Sara and Jason so much and this was a perfect gesture.  Thank you Lauren, Julianna, Meredith and Desiree.  Love you girls!

It is important for me to share these stories because in the midst of this difficult road, God is showing me that He really does care about my "now" and my future, and that He has everything in my life under control.  Oh how I miss Dennis and his calm, always positive approach to everything.  There isn't a decision made that I don't worry about whether it was the correct one and ask myself what Dennis would do in this situation.  The burdens that we shared for 36 years are now squarely on my shoulders alone and it is unnerving.  I find that even watching the news creates dismay and consternation.  Today on Meet the Press, they were talking about how Medicare is predicted to run out 5 years sooner than they thought, around 2024.  That will be just a couple of years after I am eligible for it.  Oh great!  Then what?  That was my first response and then just as clearly as I thought it, felt the Lord speak to me.  "I AM YOUR SOURCE."  YOU CANNOT DEPEND ON YOUR OWN WAYS OR THE WAYS OF THIS WORLD"  I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU!"  I turned the TV off and thanked Him while making my way to Sunday School and church, knowing that HE IS FAITHFUL! 

Dear family and friends, thank you for continuing to pray for me.  Never could I have imagined that grief would almost cripple and debilitate me.  Never would have thought that this journey would be such a desolate, bleak, solitary walk.  BUT, Jesus has walked with me through the valley of the shadow of death.  He has cradled, sustained and undergirded me every step of the way.  He has reinforced me and shored me up when I would have collapsed and He is MY FOUNDATION!

"Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  --2 Corinthians 4:17-18 

Love you!
Teena

He is Risen Indeed!

Easter meant more to me this year than ever before.  There has always been the realization that the death and resurrection of Jesus is the very foundation of Christianity.  I have celebrated this season with gusto my entire life.  Growing up, we prepared for Easter by getting a new spring outfit (for me that included white gloves and a bonnet -girly girl my entire life), dying eggs, usually getting a little chick or duckling, attending the sunrise service and then church service and then dinner with family.  My Mama always connected those "traditions" with the bedrock of why we celebrated Easter at all.  It was ALWAYS brought back to Jesus,  His death and resurrection, and the acknowledgment that because of Him, we became "new creatures" who LIVE FOREVER.  I passed those traditions on to Sara (except for the wildlife).  

This past Easter weekend was full of remembrance and evaluation for me.  There have been many losses through the years and it has always been a comfort  knowing that one day we would all be reunited.  Over the past 15 years, losses have included my Mama and Daddy, Dennis' Mom and Dad, 7 aunts, 5 first cousins and a number of friends.  There was grief and sadness but Dennis and I had each other to lean on, and to remind each other of "our hope" for rejoining those we love.  

Since Dennis' death, to be perfectly candid, I have questioned the very existence of heaven and that hope for reunion.  As close and special as my relationship was with my mother, NOTHING prepared me for the despair I felt with the loss of Dennis.  It was vitally important to "know for sure" that he lived on.  There were moments that I questioned EVERY ELEMENT OF MY BELIEF SYSTEM.  He was so dynamic, significant, critical to "this world" that it was so perplexing to even entertain the thought of why a fair, sovereign God (whom he was working so effectively for) would snatch him without warning.  For what possible purpose would his effective ministry come to an abrupt end?  I cried out to God, begged, pleaded, rationally conversed with ( er....), railed and bawled for a sign that Dennis "LIVED ON" with naught in response.  ONLY SILENCE!  Even in HIS silence,  it is so apparent that God has been faithful to me.  He has used so many people to be His hand extended and to help bring healing to my broken heart. 

Now, a little farther down the road of healing, I come to realize that this is a "faith" journey.  It is most likely that the answers being sought will stay a mystery to me.  The reality of what Jesus accomplished through His death and resurrection impact me deeply.  There is so much brokenness in this world and it is absolutely necessary to live by faith and give up seeking answers that really won't change the circumstances.  I am certainly not brandishing any measure of great faith but realize that the power of Christ can work in my fracturable neediness and bring me ever closer to executing the plan He has for my life. My life is forever amended and there is no way to revise that fact.  However, my choice here and now is to hope and trust the Lord to give me direction.  I want to move forward and accomplish everything possible for His glory. 

Trying moments don't stop as you move on, they continue to hit you at such unusual times. An example of this has been the daunting task to choose a grave marker for someone you love intensely. While Sara was still here, we went to look at markers and she leaned toward a double stone with both Dennis' and my information on it.  My friend Sherli mentioned the phrase on the marker for her brother and his wife and it struck the perfect note with us.  The monument company will put both our names and birth dates on the stone and then they will put Dennis' date of death.  The phrase they will also put on the stone is:  HE FINISHED WELL   I have secured a promise from Sara that ONLY IF I too finish my race with faithfulness, living my life abundantly, that they will add upon my death two additional letters so that the stone will read:  THEY FINISHED WELL.  You know, it doesn't really matter at all how you start the race - all that matters is how you finish it.  I am striving to get back on track and finish my race with exhilaration and zeal!

"And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you."  Romans 8:11

The Journey Leads Through Turbulent Waters

Well, I just arrived home from my second Grief Share group tonight at church.  The theme that seems to be shared over and over by the various experts on the video are the words "journey" and "waves".  They talk about grief being a journey that one is never prepared for and that grief comes in "waves" that seem to wash over you.  Those two words have been part of my experience for sure.  I wrote the following on FB back at the end of October when Dennis had been gone for just about 8 weeks.  To be perfectly forthright with you, never in my wildest dreams did I think this process would be so grueling.  I considered myself  "strong", "resolute", "steadfast", "persevering", "steady", "tenacious", "unfaltering", "unwavering", BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!  Wow, what was I thinking???????  What an unrealistic notion about myself.  Instead the words like "afraid", "irresolute", "cowardly" and "weak" (to name but a few) describe me more fittingly.  You know, without Jesus, that about sums me up.  But because of HIM, the anchor holds in the storm.  Because of HIM, we can face tomorrow.  Because of HIM the pit of grief and despair can be scaled.  Because of HIM, we can one day dance on our ashes. 

Decided to copy my note from those many weeks ago to remind ME of the promises of God and pray it will bless you as well.  We all face difficult roads and waves that batter and pummel us.  It is a different journey for each of us but the Lord knows where we are and He is there to be our refuge and strength.  

 

The Anchor Holds in Spite of the Storm

by Teena Haiduk Whaley on Friday, October 29, 2010 at 5:04pm

 At church, Pastor Jeff has been preaching a series on the "rhythms" of life.  The dictionary has a number of definitions for rhythm but all of them deal with a "regular recurrence" in a system of motion.   I certainly am "getting" that" as my rhythm has been forever altered. There is one thing I know for sure, it must take lots of time to get "into" that new rhythm.

The way it presents itself in my imagination is like floating near the oceans shore in a relaxed, comfortable, reassuring, typical manner.  I have on my life jacket, feel secure and can see the lights of home from where my body floats effortlessly in the water.  The beautiful water is clear, perfectly calm and the shells and small fish swimming below me add to the serenity of the moment.  Dennis was that underlying security for me.  Life was good and he was why.  (Now, before anyone gets concerned, of course the Lord was the center of our lives and universe).  Oh the number of times I thought about my life and how good it was.  It was almost too good to be true because life was SO wonderful and I prayed that nothing would cause the proverbial "rug to be pulled out from under my feet" and life as we knew it would disappear.  Isn't that odd that one would even go there in their thinking when things were great??  Why would it even dawn on me to think it could end in a heartbeat?

But IT DID END IN A HEARTBEAT!  His heartbeat was strong one moment and absent the next and life as it was -GONE FOREVER!

Now, I see myself in that same body of water.  Rather than floating peacefully, I am flailing, making waves, gasping for air and the fear of drowning is very real.  When looking at that same ocean as before, it now seems never ending, dark with unknown dangers lurking in the depths.  There are no lights of home on a nearby shore or the buoyancy of a life jacket with that promise of security.  The worst part, Dennis is not there to tread the rough waters with me.  He is not there to say it will all be okay, his positive optimistic attitude calming my uneasiness.  His steady hand and unwavering faith is absent.  It crosses your mind to let that turbulent, churning force of water just take you, toss you, lose you.

BUT IT IS THEN THAT JESUS SPEAKS IN THAT STILL SMALL VOICE AND IF I LISTEN, WILL HEAR HIM SPEAK PEACE TO ME!

A close friend, Kim Driver Thomas, has walked where I walk today.  She lost her husband when they were in their early thirties with two young children.  She moved to Springfield after Mike died and we caught up again although we had been friends for years.  One never met Dennis and didn't stay his friend for life!  She spoke one evening at church and shared her heart and story AND she sang a song I hadn't heard before, "The Anchor Holds in Spite of the Storm" by Ray Boltz.   Oh how I cried.  The words to the song spoke to me and I haven't forgotten them in all these years.  The lyrics follow:

I have journeyed
Through the long, dark night
Out on the open sea
By faith alone
Sight unknown
And yet His eyes were watching me.

CHORUS:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm.

I've had visions
I've had dreams
I've even held them in my hand
But I never knew
They would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand

I have been young
But I am older now
And there has been beauty
That these eyes have seen
But it was in the night
Through the storms in my life
Oh, that's where God proved
His love to me.

CHORUS:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm.

Thank you Jesus that you are with me during this storm.  Thank you for sheltering me and holding me close.  I trust you with my future and with my life!

And Baby Made Three - and completed us!

What an enjoyable evening last night at a banquet filled with friends.  It was the Pregnancy Care Center's annual banquet and fund raiser and just listening to them talk about the 5,900 babies saved because mothers chose "life" over the past eleven years was astounding AND it took me back.

My entire young life was filled with "family".  My mother was the eleventh of twelve children and, needless to say, there were bounteous cousins all around.  My dad was the youngest of four children and there were thirteen of us "first" cousins on that side.  Can't recall a time in my young life that the plan to be a wife and mother wasn't right there at the top of my list.  Of course it would be a boy and a girl, just like mama and daddy had.  It never occurred to me that life wasn't just that simple.  

I can see Dennis, to this day, sitting at a table in the registration line at Southwestern Assemblies of God College (now University) in the fall of 1971.  He was recruiting people for various reasons and thought it would be a great idea for me to be the work study secretary for "Maw Reinhold" (Mrs. Miriam Reinhold) who taught speech and directed the plays at the school.  You see, he was also trying to recruit me to "try out" for this play and how perfect, if I had to work, that it would be for "Maw."  Of course, it DID turn out that way (would you think it wouldn't if Dennis willed it).  I was Maw's secretary AND played the role of his girlfriend in the play, "The Perfect Idiot."  He had to kiss me in the script and I can tell you right now - IT WAS ALL OVER FOR ME.  Now don't get me wrong, we both fought the attraction until we became engaged in September of 1973.  Life was going to be PERFECT.  We would get married, he would go to work for Southwestern, we would travel the world and then, at just the perfect time, we would become parents.  SETTLED!!

Well, we did get married in August of 1974, he went to work at Southwestern, we did travel the world and after six years of great adventure, we were ready to have a baby.  Problem was, I developed a serious health issue and pregnancy was OUT OF THE PICTURE.  Dennis wasn't put off by it at all.  His response was that he loved me more than life itself and we could adopt or it could just be he and I (Dennis has ALWAYS been the most positive and optimistic person on earth).  We pastored a church and then moved to another city to both be on a mega-church staff.  Our lives were CRAZY but the dream never died that a baby would complete our little family.  Through a series of connections and miracles, a baby became available to us and we were THRILLED!

Dennis just knew that the baby would be a boy.  I was "not so secretly" hoping for a girl although it really didn't matter to either one of us.  We wanted a healthy baby and set out to come up with names.  If a boy, he would have been Jeffrey Scott.  We had two girls names:  Emily Rebbecca and Sara Elizabeth.  Dennis said that we would "just know" which name was right.  When the call came that "SHE" had been born, Dennis immediately referred to "her" as SARA BETH.  And Sara Beth she was.  I can so clearly see Dennis as we (my mother had flown in to share in this moment with us) waited to see Sara for the first time.  He practically ran when they brought her to us and was the first to lay eyes on this precious bundle.  His first words were, "Look at her hands.  She has piano fingers."  He was right.  Sara has long skinny fingers that played the piano, violin and harp.  We took stock to make sure she had all ten fingers and toes and tried to make sure that under those pudgy cheeks, there really was a chin.  We all cried as the judge declared us her guardians and set the official adoption date.  Oh my, you would think we were the ONLY people to ever become parents.  Dennis had been diagnosed with cancer just three weeks before Sara was born and, to be honest, I wasn't sure what we should do at that point.  Her birth gave him yet another reason to fight that dreaded "C" disease and look forward to the future.  He had difficulty sleeping at night during the time he was receiving daily radiation therapy.  What a miraculous time of bonding for father and daughter during those long nights.  He would feed her, talk to her, sing to her and rock her for countless hours.  She was his princess and it was a match made in heaven.  Sara was a daddy's girl from the get-go.  Dennis was a kid at heart.  He was always so fun loving and he would play games with her while waiting for me to run into the grocery store or at the restaurant.  Two of her favorites were "Good Hand, Bad Hand" and the "Disappearing Tomato."  They were both Dennis originals!  

Through the years of her growing up, her Daddy was ALWAYS available to pray for her, meet her friends and teach her that God was faithful.  He directed her in church plays to raise money for special events, he drove carloads of kids to camp and sat through many a recital as well as carting her to multitudinous music lessons.  During her high school and college years, there was many a night that I would wake up and find him missing from the bed.  When looking to see if he was okay, would find him on his knees in the living room, touching the throne of God in behalf of his girl.  How grateful to God I am that He spared Dennis from death when he was so ill during his recurrence of cancer.  How grateful to God I am that Sara was able to grow up with a daddy who was such a great example of being a Godly Christian, husband and father.  How grateful I am to God that they both were able to experience the magical four years together at Evangel University and that he was there to watch her walk the line to graduate.  How grateful to God I am that Dennis was able to walk his baby girl down the aisle at her wedding, serve she and Jason communion and pray a prayer over them that had everyone present in tears.

I listened at the Pregnancy Care Center banquet with great delight as they shared the journey of a couple who chose life.  The audience was introduced to a beautiful little girl, who at a little over one year old, stole the show.  It reminded me once again of how eternally grateful I am to the young lady who chose life for Sara.  I can only imagine how incredibly heart wrenching it had to have been for her to decide on adoption for this precious bundle she selflessly gave birth to.  The prayer that Dennis prayed at Sara's wedding (that had everyone in tears) touched on that very thing.  He thanked God for the precious young woman who chose life, and because she did,  Dennis & Teena were celebrating this very special moment.  Because of her, Dennis and I became Mama and Daddy. 

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matt. 5:4

Seven and a half months after Dennis' death I am enrolled in a Grief Recovery class and have attended my first session.  Mixed emotions about even the thought of attending this type of "group" meeting saw me waver back and forth while deciding to attend.  My wonderful church has sent a series of three books on grief which were very good and, in addition, I have read several on my own and currently am finishing up the book by C. S. Lewis, "A Grief Observed."  Wow, his encounter with grief was intense and he, like me, found it more overwhelming than ever thought possible.

What do I think of this class is the question that has been asked a number of times today.  Well, its hard to arrive at a conclusion this soon into it, but think it will be another rich side road on my journey that I can glean from and take away morsels of wisdom to help make the path easier to navigate.  It was challenging last night.  There were many emotional moments for me during the video and while others shared so felt a little deflated when it was over and I arrived home.  What strikes me the most at this point is the fact that there are others traveling as well.  No person experiences grief the same way but one thing is abundantly clear, it is PAINFUL!  So, my plan is to continue this thirteen weeks and attend as often as possible.

Dear friends, there surely isn't anyone who is comfortable with and wants to contine in grief.  The agitated, churning, surging emotions I have gained experience with are not something to wish on anyone and irrefutably are something you pray to avoid in the future.  Unfortunately, we don't evade death, it comes for those we love and it will affect all of us at one time or another.  When one loves deeply, the loss is profound.  Would I give up the great love experienced with Dennis to bypass the pain?  NOT ONE SINGLE SECOND OF IT.  As Christians, we are so blessed, because of the ressurection of Jesus, to have ETERNAL LIFE.  What ultimate sacrifice He gave so that we have the hope of heaven and eternity in the presence of Jesus with those we love.  Because of this great hope, I want to heal and move forward to fulfill the plan that God has in store for me.  It is heart-rending to envision that future without Dennis in it BUT heartwarming to know that the God of the universe has a plan for me.

Please continue to pray for me and my fellow journeyers as we move onward during this next 12 weeks together.  Pray that we will grow and heal and that the lonliness, pain, fears, sorrow and uncertainties will begin to diminish as we move forward.  Pray that our facilitators will have the wisdom of God as they lead, minister and encourage us. 

You, precious ones, are my GIFT AND I LOVE YOU DEARLY!

"I have called you by name, you are Mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you...You are precious in my sight, and honored, and I love you."  Isaiah 43:1-2, 4        

June 2010

His Love Never Quits Psalm 136:3

You never know when a wave of grief will wash over you.  It hit me at an extremely odd place today.  I was in the parking lot of Kohl's, walking to my car after returning an item when I heard something so seemingly ordinary, yet it caused an outburst of emotion.  An older gentlemen was standing by his car talking on his cell phone and said the following, "OK, I'll be watching for you."  Can't count the number of times Dennis and I said those very words, or ones very similar, to one another on numerous occasions.  He worked several nights a week at Evangel with his work study students.  We would have an event to attend or just a quick run  somewhere for a bite to eat and I would swing by Evangel to pick him up.  Before the appointed time, one of us would call the other to check on location and possible delays.  He would leave the second floor where his office was to meet me out front and would always end the call with, "I'll be watching for you."   He or I would say those words when trying to meet up at the mall, while on vacation, with friends, at Silver Dollar City or most anywhere.  Didn't really ever give those words much thought, it was just a way of connecting back up after a separation.  Oh the words that are spoken out of habit that we don't come to treasure until it's too late to hear them again from the people we love. 
 
After listening to the man in the parking lot utter those words, realized that never again on this earth would I hear Dennis say those words to me.  It was heartbreaking!  You know what though?  There isn't a day that goes by I'm not searching the parking lot, crowd of people, cars passing by to look for Dennis.  When I pass Evangel, my eyes immediately go to the Administration Building parking lot to look for his black Expedition with the expectation that surely it will be there this time.  When passing other cars, I turn my head to check out the occupants.  At any function such as a basketball game or play on the Evangel campus I am scrutinizing the crowd, seeking a glimpse of those beautiful brown eyes, ready smile and familiar features that seem to be more elusive as each day passes. When I pass by his pool table downstairs or walk through this house where so many happy memories took place, and find him absent, it causes absolute anguish and desolation.  We did so many things together, were so connected that almost anywhere I go an awareness and consciousness of him is there.  When going to church, I picture him beside me in the car on the way,  singing hymns together, his rich beautiful voice ringing out to harmonize with my barely in tune one.  I envision him beside me in class, beside me in the church service and can almost feel the touch of his hand as it holds mine and the warmth of his skin as I curl my arm through his.  The crowd is inspected as my gaze sweeps across that massive sanctuary, hoping against hope that he is merely conversing with old and new friends and will soon be by my side.  Dennis, I'm watching for you. 

Can't help but think about how Dennis would be traveling this road called grief.  I think he would be a much better model, knowing that the Lord is always there- in the bad times as well as the good.  He would be so aware of God's faithfulness and His promises that we can cling to in the midst of the raging storm.  I really am trying, but it seems as I drive ahead, the winds clutch at me and blow me back BUT forward I venture, one step at a time.  Thank you precious friends and family for your ardent prayers on my behalf.  Your faithful obedience has touched God's heart.  There is no way to know for sure what Dennis' thoughts were in those last moments of his life except to feel absolutely certain that he was anticipating being in God's very presence.  I also sense that he unquestionably tried to convey this message to me in those final moments, "Teena, I'll be watching for you."  

The Eruption & Disruption of Loss

My thoughts have really focused on LOSS the last few days.  It seems that after one has experienced deep loss you can easily spot it in the eyes of others.  Maybe I'm just ultra sensitive right now but feel keenly aware of the turmoil in others and the impact it produces.

When a disruption (or eruption in some cases) occurs, it wreaks havoc.  Just watching the devastation in Japan shows us the chaos that follows such an event.  Many of us react in similar ways when experiencing a disruption in our own lives.  I have felt like a nuclear reactor about to blow several times during the past seven months and yet, many other times, wished for the tsunami to wash over me and propel me out to sea.  However, the loss I've reflected on during these last days has not displayed my reflection in the mirror.

You probably know many who have experienced loss of one kind or another  My attention turned to a precious young woman this week who is bravely facing a major "disruption" in her life.  To say that this person is beautiful, inside and out, is an understatement.  She is physically beautiful - so much so that she could be on the cover of a major magazine.  She offers much more than physical beauty though, she has a sweet spirit and loves and honors God with all of her heart.  Still, she has faced a loss so deep that she is reeling as she attempts to pick up the pieces and begin again.  Her loss is a very different kind from mine but possibly even more devastating.  There is no doubt in my mind that she will overcome the chaos and move forward but there will always be scars from the debris field.  I pray that she has friends who will walk beside her as the road of LOSS is dark, lonely and filled with rubble that can cause a stumble.  

There are friends around me everyday who have experienced loss.  Loss of a parent, loss of a child, loss of a job, loss of a dream, loss of a vision, loss of a ministry, loss of a friendship, loss of joy.  It struck me over the last few days that many times we turn a blind eye to those suffering loss because it makes us uncomfortable or possibly will require time we don't feel we have.  Maybe it is easier to just hope that someone else will walk the road with them.  How fortunate I have been - my family and friends have been there in ways that could take weeks to impart.  I mean they have BEEN THERE FOR ME!  I HAVE HUGE SHOES TO FILL and plenty of those around me who need my help on their journey.

Bottom line, those experiencing loss have a deep constant need for God's peace.  Peace will flourish when we trust Him in the midst of trouble.  The Lord removes the rubble and debris from our path and makes the wild destructive road a place of beauty.  A place of beauty????  There are things we see, hear and experience on this road called LOSS that can't be experienced anywhere else.  Don't get me wrong!!!!  I DO NOT RELISH THIS JOURNEY - IT HAS BEEN THE MOST DIFFICULT, ARDUOUS, CHALLENGING, FORMIDABLE, LABORIOUS, PAINFUL, WEARISOME, DEMANDING, EFFORTFUL...uh, you get the picture!  In the midst of intense grief, I see that God WILL complete His work in me and realize that it can be easier (if allowed) to deteriorate in disheartenment than to live in hope.  Dennis preached a wonderful sermon that he entitled "I Choose Joy."  We, as Christians, will not escape from pain and sorrow BUT we can choose the joy that only God can give.  Our need for a Savior is great even in the brightest days of life although we don't always acknowledge Him.  When deep sorrow and loss impact us, hopefully we turn to Jesus AND we become His hand extended to others.

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford

I need Thee, O, I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior
I come to Thee

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain

I need Thee, O, I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior
I come to Thee




     

It's a Long and Winding Road

Never would I have imagined that driving through Tulsa, Oklahoma would cause such an upheaval of emotion.  Went to visit Jerry & Carolyn Fore (Jerry is Dennis' 1st cousin on mother's side) in Stillwater,OK for the weekend and, of course, drove through Tulsa.  My goodness, the memories came flooding back at such breakneck speed and the tears flowed so that it was difficult to see the road.


Let me admit something right here ~~ It isn't easy letting go of the past.  Why is that you might ask??  Easy enough to answer, because Dennis is in my past and I want to be where he is.  Also have to admit that although my physical body is out there (going to one activity after another), my emotional heart has yet to venture out into the land of the living.  There are some who seem to think that there is a certain time allotment of grief and when that magical number comes up, grief is spent and it is time to move on.  Well, all I can say is this, the journey is different and very personal for each individual.  It is something that you just can't grasp until you have been there AND even then, the roads we all travel are just not the same. 


Tulsa, Oklahoma is important because after leaving Southwestern A/G College (UNIV) after his sophomore year (he graduated from the Junior College) Dennis attended Oral Roberts University in Tulsa.  It was the 1972/1973 school year and I was completing my second year at Southwestern.  We kept the road hot between Waxahachie, TX and Tulsa.  The first time to see ORU, I was awe struck.  What a beautiful campus it was with the prayer tower and the towering dormitory buildings.  It was this year that we really fell in love and in September of 1973 Dennis would propose.  What bittersweet memories flashed across my mind as I saw from afar the outline of buildings at ORU and recalled familiar street names I passed on the Interstate.  Why can't I be one of those people who keep a daily dairy or journal so the pages could be thumbed through and every memory of what we did and where we went could be recounted?  During what month and on what day did we first mention the word "LOVE"?  What activities did we attend, what friends did I meet, what restaurants did we eat at, who came with me and on and on.  Dennis would be able to recount the answer to most of those questions because his memory was extraordinary as any of you who knew him at all could attest to.  Why didn't he and I write down our story together, with each recalling the specifics from different points of view?  Why?  Because we think we have FOREVER and tomorrow we will do those things until tomorrow is today and it is too late.    


 My brain/intellect GETS it friends, gets it, gets it, gets it.  I am painfully aware that Dennis is gone no matter how I try to will him back.  Thing is...my heart DOESN'T LISTEN, doesn't listen, doesn't listen.  Driving down that Interstate made me intimately aware of loss. The Bradford Pear and Red Bud trees were in full bloom, the grass was a deep green and it took me back!  Dennis and I made lifelong friends that attended ORU with him and we made countless memories with them during that year.  I started talking out loud, trying to recall events, people, smells.  I wanted to recapture every single moment of time spent in this place but it was impossible.  Had we turned off here?  Did we travel there?  The memories of so many of those precious treasures are blurred as moments became weeks, and weeks months and months years.  I so wanted my tears to wash away the film that dulled my recollection of every special moment that built the great love story with our names as the leading man and woman.  A love story that would outlast silly immaturity's in early years, difficulties and victories all of us in ministry encounter, painful infertility issues, fear of loss during life-threatening cancer, painful decisions while caring for all four of our parents, and now, outlast even physical death of the temporary body.  How thankful to the Lord I am for having experienced such DEEP LOVE even though the loss of it hurts so deeply it cannot be described.


One thing is certain, PASSION IS CONTAGIOUS.  Because of Dennis' passion for life, every single place we have been holds memories so precious to me.  In every stop on our journey, Dennis helped others to see the positives rather the negatives about themselves and their future.  He built up rather than tore down and my friends, that leaves a mark!  


My prayer is that I will be able to keep my mind intact for the days that remain on earth for me so NOT ONE SINGLE PRECIOUS MEMORY IS FORGOTTEN.


"Like a shepherd, He will care for his flock,
gathering the lambs in His arms,
Hugging them as He carries them,
leading the nursing ewes to good pasture,
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.  He doesn't care what happens to me?"
Don't you know anything?  Haven't you been listening?
GOD DOESN'T COME AND GO.  GOD LASTS.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
HE DOESN'T GET TIRED OUT, DOESN'T PAUSE TO CATCH HIS BREATH.
AND HE KNOW EVERYTHING, INSIDE AND OUT.  Isaiah 40: 11, 27  The Message

My Journey Through Grief

One thing has become abundantly clear to me through the process of almost seven months on a journey of grief, despair, pain and possibly hope?  There are so many people hurting and they aren't sure where or who to turn to.   The journey we are on comes most times without the luxury of preparation.  Even when a loved one has been ill and the prognosis poor, the THOUGHT of preparing for this particular journey is not even entertained.  We are believing for our miracle...aren't we??  We all know that before we embark on any kind of trip, what we carry in our bags has been carefully thought out and we are prepared for any kind of weather, event or accident,  our goods ready to be whipped out in an instant of need.  However, here we are, ill-prepared and lacking even the most basic necessities.  Some of us have an iron-clad trust in God and the knowledge that He will see us through but others of us feel shaken, abandoned, undone.  There isn't any single one of us traveling the same exact road as there seems to be thousands of little back roads all named LOSS.   

My support system has been magnificent.  Family and friends seem to be mourning the loss of Dennis along with me with such acute intensity.  He was a person who made a huge splash and impacted those around him to such a degree that his absence now causes some feelings of despair and disappointment.  Why disappointment you ask?  It's because of the awareness that possibly no other person in this lifetime will take the time to champion them like Dennis did. 

Several times people have asked me what I miss the most with Dennis gone.  That question is difficult to answer because there are thousands of things I miss but think there are three main areas I can pinpoint.  They are as follows:

     LOSS OF HISTORY:  Dennis knew my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends & neighbors from childhood.  My grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and many cousins are all gone now.  Not even my Sara ever met her great grandparents and enjoyed 3 of her 4 grandparents only until she was a young teen.  He met me when I was seventeen years old and a freshman at Southwestern Assemblies of God College (now University).  He was the much "older" and mature nineteen year old sophomore.  Although it was never spoken at the time, it was a "done deal" the minute we met.  I think back to that immature girl he fell in love with and marvel at how he championed me into the woman I aspired to become and he loved me through every stage of that process.  He knew my dreams and fears, my weaknesses and my strengths and yet he loved me.  We shared our hopes for a family, the delight of our precious Sara after ten years of marriage and the shock and fear of his cancer journey.  We ministered, pastored, mentored and taught together, learning from our mistakes and pressing forward in our attempt to become all that the Lord would have us become as we journeyed through the spring, summer and into the autumn of our life together.  
How can one even BEGIN to measure the impact of those milestones?  Dennis knew my history as I knew his and we made our history together with every expectation of growing old into the winter of our lives.

     LOSS OF IDENTITY:  I was perfectly happy to be known as Dennis' wife (and later as Sara's mother).  He was the Godly spiritual leader of our home and what a wonderful joy it was to have that blessing.  He held me in high esteem and never felt a threat as he was confident in who he was.  He knew EVERYONE and he remembered who they were and was so interested in them.  I rode along, not needing to remember names and details because he NEVER FORGOT!!  From the day we promised "Forever" it was always Dennis & Teena and now the best part of that duo is gone.  How does one recover from a loss that great?  Don't ask me because I DO NOT KNOW IF IT IS POSSIBLE!

     LOSS OF ALL DENNIS BROUGHT TO THE TABLE:  I could write for years and not be able to list all of what he contributed to this world but will highlight the ones I thought of first.  LOVE FOR THE LORD, LOVE FOR OTHERS, UNWAVERING FAITH, OPTIMISTIC ALWAYS POSITIVE OUTLOOK, EVER INCREASING ABILITY TO SEE BEYOND WHAT A PERSON WAS TODAY AND TO SEE THE POTENTIAL OF WHAT THEY COULD BECOME.  He loved unconditionally - need I say more?

Can I really help and encourage others on this road called Loss?  Don't really know.  Everyone has a different story, different history, different identity.  I want to assist but at the same time am afraid that my journey experience will be so different from others that they can't relate to mine.  I have to be HONEST here:  I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!  I LOVED MY LIFE, MY DENNIS!  Yes, I move one foot in front of the other and move forward but it isn't easy and to be truthful, I find myself reliving the past because that is where Dennis is!!  Without the Lord, it is hard to gauge where this road would have led.  He is my center and although I've been like a pendulum, back and forth and all over the place, I find my way back to center, home, to Jesus Himself.  He has not been disillusioned by my questioning, the puzzlement, my inability to "let it be."  I want answers, want to know why and for what purpose!  What could I have done differently to change the end result?  Why not take me and leave Dennis who was accomplishing so much for God's kingdom?  Don't have a clue why and have been met with SILENCE although I have felt His all encompassing arms of compassion, mercy & peace.  A good friend, Kim, who has been where I am and at a much younger age than my 57 years, has told me the following more than once:  "When you demand answers, you sacrifice peace."  She is right and I am listening. (thank you dear friend)  I'm not ready to "give it up" yet but am on the road.  Don't know when this leg of my journey ends and the next begins but the Lord does, and for now, that's enough for me.