It's a Long and Winding Road

Never would I have imagined that driving through Tulsa, Oklahoma would cause such an upheaval of emotion.  Went to visit Jerry & Carolyn Fore (Jerry is Dennis' 1st cousin on mother's side) in Stillwater,OK for the weekend and, of course, drove through Tulsa.  My goodness, the memories came flooding back at such breakneck speed and the tears flowed so that it was difficult to see the road.


Let me admit something right here ~~ It isn't easy letting go of the past.  Why is that you might ask??  Easy enough to answer, because Dennis is in my past and I want to be where he is.  Also have to admit that although my physical body is out there (going to one activity after another), my emotional heart has yet to venture out into the land of the living.  There are some who seem to think that there is a certain time allotment of grief and when that magical number comes up, grief is spent and it is time to move on.  Well, all I can say is this, the journey is different and very personal for each individual.  It is something that you just can't grasp until you have been there AND even then, the roads we all travel are just not the same. 


Tulsa, Oklahoma is important because after leaving Southwestern A/G College (UNIV) after his sophomore year (he graduated from the Junior College) Dennis attended Oral Roberts University in Tulsa.  It was the 1972/1973 school year and I was completing my second year at Southwestern.  We kept the road hot between Waxahachie, TX and Tulsa.  The first time to see ORU, I was awe struck.  What a beautiful campus it was with the prayer tower and the towering dormitory buildings.  It was this year that we really fell in love and in September of 1973 Dennis would propose.  What bittersweet memories flashed across my mind as I saw from afar the outline of buildings at ORU and recalled familiar street names I passed on the Interstate.  Why can't I be one of those people who keep a daily dairy or journal so the pages could be thumbed through and every memory of what we did and where we went could be recounted?  During what month and on what day did we first mention the word "LOVE"?  What activities did we attend, what friends did I meet, what restaurants did we eat at, who came with me and on and on.  Dennis would be able to recount the answer to most of those questions because his memory was extraordinary as any of you who knew him at all could attest to.  Why didn't he and I write down our story together, with each recalling the specifics from different points of view?  Why?  Because we think we have FOREVER and tomorrow we will do those things until tomorrow is today and it is too late.    


 My brain/intellect GETS it friends, gets it, gets it, gets it.  I am painfully aware that Dennis is gone no matter how I try to will him back.  Thing is...my heart DOESN'T LISTEN, doesn't listen, doesn't listen.  Driving down that Interstate made me intimately aware of loss. The Bradford Pear and Red Bud trees were in full bloom, the grass was a deep green and it took me back!  Dennis and I made lifelong friends that attended ORU with him and we made countless memories with them during that year.  I started talking out loud, trying to recall events, people, smells.  I wanted to recapture every single moment of time spent in this place but it was impossible.  Had we turned off here?  Did we travel there?  The memories of so many of those precious treasures are blurred as moments became weeks, and weeks months and months years.  I so wanted my tears to wash away the film that dulled my recollection of every special moment that built the great love story with our names as the leading man and woman.  A love story that would outlast silly immaturity's in early years, difficulties and victories all of us in ministry encounter, painful infertility issues, fear of loss during life-threatening cancer, painful decisions while caring for all four of our parents, and now, outlast even physical death of the temporary body.  How thankful to the Lord I am for having experienced such DEEP LOVE even though the loss of it hurts so deeply it cannot be described.


One thing is certain, PASSION IS CONTAGIOUS.  Because of Dennis' passion for life, every single place we have been holds memories so precious to me.  In every stop on our journey, Dennis helped others to see the positives rather the negatives about themselves and their future.  He built up rather than tore down and my friends, that leaves a mark!  


My prayer is that I will be able to keep my mind intact for the days that remain on earth for me so NOT ONE SINGLE PRECIOUS MEMORY IS FORGOTTEN.


"Like a shepherd, He will care for his flock,
gathering the lambs in His arms,
Hugging them as He carries them,
leading the nursing ewes to good pasture,
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.  He doesn't care what happens to me?"
Don't you know anything?  Haven't you been listening?
GOD DOESN'T COME AND GO.  GOD LASTS.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
HE DOESN'T GET TIRED OUT, DOESN'T PAUSE TO CATCH HIS BREATH.
AND HE KNOW EVERYTHING, INSIDE AND OUT.  Isaiah 40: 11, 27  The Message