Well, I just arrived home from my second Grief Share group tonight at church. The theme that seems to be shared over and over by the various experts on the video are the words "journey" and "waves". They talk about grief being a journey that one is never prepared for and that grief comes in "waves" that seem to wash over you. Those two words have been part of my experience for sure. I wrote the following on FB back at the end of October when Dennis had been gone for just about 8 weeks. To be perfectly forthright with you, never in my wildest dreams did I think this process would be so grueling. I considered myself "strong", "resolute", "steadfast", "persevering", "steady", "tenacious", "unfaltering", "unwavering", BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! Wow, what was I thinking??????? What an unrealistic notion about myself. Instead the words like "afraid", "irresolute", "cowardly" and "weak" (to name but a few) describe me more fittingly. You know, without Jesus, that about sums me up. But because of HIM, the anchor holds in the storm. Because of HIM, we can face tomorrow. Because of HIM the pit of grief and despair can be scaled. Because of HIM, we can one day dance on our ashes.
Decided to copy my note from those many weeks ago to remind ME of the promises of God and pray it will bless you as well. We all face difficult roads and waves that batter and pummel us. It is a different journey for each of us but the Lord knows where we are and He is there to be our refuge and strength.
The Anchor Holds in Spite of the Storm
At church, Pastor Jeff has been preaching a series on the "rhythms" of life. The dictionary has a number of definitions for rhythm but all of them deal with a "regular recurrence" in a system of motion. I certainly am "getting" that" as my rhythm has been forever altered. There is one thing I know for sure, it must take lots of time to get "into" that new rhythm.
The way it presents itself in my imagination is like floating near the oceans shore in a relaxed, comfortable, reassuring, typical manner. I have on my life jacket, feel secure and can see the lights of home from where my body floats effortlessly in the water. The beautiful water is clear, perfectly calm and the shells and small fish swimming below me add to the serenity of the moment. Dennis was that underlying security for me. Life was good and he was why. (Now, before anyone gets concerned, of course the Lord was the center of our lives and universe). Oh the number of times I thought about my life and how good it was. It was almost too good to be true because life was SO wonderful and I prayed that nothing would cause the proverbial "rug to be pulled out from under my feet" and life as we knew it would disappear. Isn't that odd that one would even go there in their thinking when things were great?? Why would it even dawn on me to think it could end in a heartbeat?
But IT DID END IN A HEARTBEAT! His heartbeat was strong one moment and absent the next and life as it was -GONE FOREVER!
Now, I see myself in that same body of water. Rather than floating peacefully, I am flailing, making waves, gasping for air and the fear of drowning is very real. When looking at that same ocean as before, it now seems never ending, dark with unknown dangers lurking in the depths. There are no lights of home on a nearby shore or the buoyancy of a life jacket with that promise of security. The worst part, Dennis is not there to tread the rough waters with me. He is not there to say it will all be okay, his positive optimistic attitude calming my uneasiness. His steady hand and unwavering faith is absent. It crosses your mind to let that turbulent, churning force of water just take you, toss you, lose you.
BUT IT IS THEN THAT JESUS SPEAKS IN THAT STILL SMALL VOICE AND IF I LISTEN, WILL HEAR HIM SPEAK PEACE TO ME!
A close friend, Kim Driver Thomas, has walked where I walk today. She lost her husband when they were in their early thirties with two young children. She moved to Springfield after Mike died and we caught up again although we had been friends for years. One never met Dennis and didn't stay his friend for life! She spoke one evening at church and shared her heart and story AND she sang a song I hadn't heard before, "The Anchor Holds in Spite of the Storm" by Ray Boltz. Oh how I cried. The words to the song spoke to me and I haven't forgotten them in all these years. The lyrics follow:
I have journeyed
Through the long, dark night
Out on the open sea
By faith alone
Sight unknown
And yet His eyes were watching me.
CHORUS:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm.
I've had visions
I've had dreams
I've even held them in my hand
But I never knew
They would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand
I have been young
But I am older now
And there has been beauty
That these eyes have seen
But it was in the night
Through the storms in my life
Oh, that's where God proved
His love to me.
CHORUS:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm.
Thank you Jesus that you are with me during this storm. Thank you for sheltering me and holding me close. I trust you with my future and with my life!
Oh, Teena.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many times that I think about my mom singing this song. I remember singing along, Katie seated in the pew next to me, the summer we traveled and Mom told "our story." It's funny because, as a child, you don't realize how powerful the words are. I remember singing along simply because I knew the lyrics. Over the years, the song has become so much more meaningful, and the words all the more influential.
I've thought of that song many times throughout my own journey through grief. I had always thought I was finished walking that path until the spring of '08 when I took a group dynamics class with Dr. Grant Jones. I realized that I was still hurting and angry from the experience of my dad's death. It was so sudden, unfair, and I had always wondered, "Why?"
Though I don’t know what it’s like to lose a spouse, I do know what it’s like to lose a loved one, a parent, a friend, a lover, and a dream. I am reminded by your writing that while many of us walk different roads of grief and pain, one thing remains true: God is in control, and He always leads in the perfect direction. The anchor holds in spite of any storm, no matter how turbulent.
I think that these experiences of grief really do make us stronger. It's through this pain that we become more of who we already were/are, and grow exponentially. Even though we feel completely lost, disillusioned, and weak, we are capable of more than we may have imagined. Teena, you are more resilient than you allow yourself to believe. You are strong. You are persevering. You are steadfast. You are unwavering.
Teena, thank you so much for writing. I am so inspired by your determination to move forward and to honor Dennis' memory. I know he would be so proud of you, and I know he's watching for you. Keep writing, dear friend. Your words are passionate and uplifting.