My Journey Through Grief

One thing has become abundantly clear to me through the process of almost seven months on a journey of grief, despair, pain and possibly hope?  There are so many people hurting and they aren't sure where or who to turn to.   The journey we are on comes most times without the luxury of preparation.  Even when a loved one has been ill and the prognosis poor, the THOUGHT of preparing for this particular journey is not even entertained.  We are believing for our miracle...aren't we??  We all know that before we embark on any kind of trip, what we carry in our bags has been carefully thought out and we are prepared for any kind of weather, event or accident,  our goods ready to be whipped out in an instant of need.  However, here we are, ill-prepared and lacking even the most basic necessities.  Some of us have an iron-clad trust in God and the knowledge that He will see us through but others of us feel shaken, abandoned, undone.  There isn't any single one of us traveling the same exact road as there seems to be thousands of little back roads all named LOSS.   

My support system has been magnificent.  Family and friends seem to be mourning the loss of Dennis along with me with such acute intensity.  He was a person who made a huge splash and impacted those around him to such a degree that his absence now causes some feelings of despair and disappointment.  Why disappointment you ask?  It's because of the awareness that possibly no other person in this lifetime will take the time to champion them like Dennis did. 

Several times people have asked me what I miss the most with Dennis gone.  That question is difficult to answer because there are thousands of things I miss but think there are three main areas I can pinpoint.  They are as follows:

     LOSS OF HISTORY:  Dennis knew my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends & neighbors from childhood.  My grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and many cousins are all gone now.  Not even my Sara ever met her great grandparents and enjoyed 3 of her 4 grandparents only until she was a young teen.  He met me when I was seventeen years old and a freshman at Southwestern Assemblies of God College (now University).  He was the much "older" and mature nineteen year old sophomore.  Although it was never spoken at the time, it was a "done deal" the minute we met.  I think back to that immature girl he fell in love with and marvel at how he championed me into the woman I aspired to become and he loved me through every stage of that process.  He knew my dreams and fears, my weaknesses and my strengths and yet he loved me.  We shared our hopes for a family, the delight of our precious Sara after ten years of marriage and the shock and fear of his cancer journey.  We ministered, pastored, mentored and taught together, learning from our mistakes and pressing forward in our attempt to become all that the Lord would have us become as we journeyed through the spring, summer and into the autumn of our life together.  
How can one even BEGIN to measure the impact of those milestones?  Dennis knew my history as I knew his and we made our history together with every expectation of growing old into the winter of our lives.

     LOSS OF IDENTITY:  I was perfectly happy to be known as Dennis' wife (and later as Sara's mother).  He was the Godly spiritual leader of our home and what a wonderful joy it was to have that blessing.  He held me in high esteem and never felt a threat as he was confident in who he was.  He knew EVERYONE and he remembered who they were and was so interested in them.  I rode along, not needing to remember names and details because he NEVER FORGOT!!  From the day we promised "Forever" it was always Dennis & Teena and now the best part of that duo is gone.  How does one recover from a loss that great?  Don't ask me because I DO NOT KNOW IF IT IS POSSIBLE!

     LOSS OF ALL DENNIS BROUGHT TO THE TABLE:  I could write for years and not be able to list all of what he contributed to this world but will highlight the ones I thought of first.  LOVE FOR THE LORD, LOVE FOR OTHERS, UNWAVERING FAITH, OPTIMISTIC ALWAYS POSITIVE OUTLOOK, EVER INCREASING ABILITY TO SEE BEYOND WHAT A PERSON WAS TODAY AND TO SEE THE POTENTIAL OF WHAT THEY COULD BECOME.  He loved unconditionally - need I say more?

Can I really help and encourage others on this road called Loss?  Don't really know.  Everyone has a different story, different history, different identity.  I want to assist but at the same time am afraid that my journey experience will be so different from others that they can't relate to mine.  I have to be HONEST here:  I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!  I LOVED MY LIFE, MY DENNIS!  Yes, I move one foot in front of the other and move forward but it isn't easy and to be truthful, I find myself reliving the past because that is where Dennis is!!  Without the Lord, it is hard to gauge where this road would have led.  He is my center and although I've been like a pendulum, back and forth and all over the place, I find my way back to center, home, to Jesus Himself.  He has not been disillusioned by my questioning, the puzzlement, my inability to "let it be."  I want answers, want to know why and for what purpose!  What could I have done differently to change the end result?  Why not take me and leave Dennis who was accomplishing so much for God's kingdom?  Don't have a clue why and have been met with SILENCE although I have felt His all encompassing arms of compassion, mercy & peace.  A good friend, Kim, who has been where I am and at a much younger age than my 57 years, has told me the following more than once:  "When you demand answers, you sacrifice peace."  She is right and I am listening. (thank you dear friend)  I'm not ready to "give it up" yet but am on the road.  Don't know when this leg of my journey ends and the next begins but the Lord does, and for now, that's enough for me.