It is difficult to even go to the place where I was at this time last year. The agony of grief was so intense it was impossible to imagine that there would ever be an end to it or a life worth living beyond it. The pit was deep, slippery and compelling. I found that there was an undeniable siren call from that abyss that enticed and attracted me. If you stay in that dark place, you can bury your head and dream of what could have been. By crawling out, you must face the reality of life. The complexity of that choice cannot be articulated adequately.
In recent days I have reviewed the progress made over the past thirteen and a half months. People said more times that I want to remember that a “new normal” would be found and life would move forward. Those words might seem to be comforting but they were like a red cloth signaling a bull to me. The words only bring comfort if you WANT a “new normal.” As I have written numerous times, my life was amazing and it was agonizing to picture that scenario. Thus, I questioned and questioned and questioned and was met with profound SILENCE. The Lord was my very foundation and yet, at the same time, the one I argued with regarding this despised path. He was so faithful and loved me unreservedly (which totally blows my mind and says everything about HIM). I suddenly found myself experiencing this “new normal” and was astonished that it had come about even while “rebelling” against it. Honestly, it was staggering when I experienced a “turning the corner” moment and could acknowledge it.
Today I turned 58 years old. Changes in my life are occurring every single day and it is overwhelming to decipher which direction to go. There has been much deliberation, by me, about my strengths and weaknesses of late and the weaknesses at the top of the list have to be “worry” and “trust issues”(pathetic huh). Living for TODAY and yet being prepared to move forward, for each and every one of us, is a faith journey. We must be willing to “step out” and for me, that is a grueling task, the fear of the unknown paralyzing me. My family and friends should be awarded “medals of honor” for they exemplify, to the letter, what unconditional love and friendship entail. They have literally “CIRCLED THE WAGONS” around me and loved me back to life. They have been the hand of Jesus extended and I owe them so much more than can ever be paid back. They encourage and amaze me on a daily basis and want my happiness above all other. They give me confidence to “take risks” but to also “take baby steps” as I voyage forward. There was a day that I considered myself to be a “risk taker” but the challenges of life have made me extremely cautious. My prayer today is that I seek the wisdom of God in every avenue of my life and know that He will carry me when the road becomes impassible.
There are no expectations on my part about my future except that every decision I make be a result of prayer and seeking the face of God. It terrifies me to look beyond TODAY and so I make a commitment to be in quest of the very best God has for me by focusing on this moment and resting my future in HIS very capable hands.
I love you!
"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29, 10b, 11