The Journey Continues - One Year Later

On a Sunday evening, one year ago, I wrote that my best friend was walking on streets of gold.  To be honest, I was in complete shock.  Never was the thought entertained that Dennis would die in that hospital at barely fifty-eight years of age.  He had such faith, there were literally thousands of people praying for him and he was so incredibly effective with sharing himself and the good news of Jesus with everyone.  As I have reflected on the life Dennis and I shared, it has been almost impossible for me to revisit the day he died.  Most of us have discussed what we hope our (or the ones we love) ending moments will be like.  My mind conjures up a tranquil setting with my loved ones praying and singing hymns over me and then I spot angels or even Jesus himself, with arms wide open, there to transport me to my heavenly reward.  That WAS NOT the case with Dennis.  The ICU unit was a chaotic, turbulent and unpeaceful place.  The nurses and doctors were arduously working over him, attempting to stop the ebb of life to no avail.  When I entertain those moments, my heart beats fast and I find myself dissolving into tears, unable to stay there at all.  It is impossible to know if he realized what was happening, if he was afraid or reluctant or sad.  It was heart-breaking.

Well, a year has come and gone and one might ask what it is that I have learned through this inconceivable journey.  That is an easy question to answer.  The unequivocal truth is that I have learned a volume about MYSELF.  Through the most challenging and painful trials that we face in this life, WHO WE ARE comes through loud and clear.  It is hard to face the myriad of imperfections that make up our life but absolutely necessary in order to come through the fire and continue to be productive as a Christ follower.  There are so many things about ME that God was not surprised with when I began to question Him on a daily basis after Dennis died.  He knows me intimately and therefore He KNEW, without a doubt, that I would be a pistol!  He was not surprised or dismayed by me wanting to know WHY, over and over and over and over again.  Those of you who have followed my ramblings are not surprised either :)  My ordeal began with total shock, which turned into the most agonizing, all-consuming pain I have ever experienced.  From there, acceptance (most of the time anyway) that I will never know the answers but also recognizing that it's okay somehow.  God, in his sovereignty, knew the events of my life before I was even born AND the plan He has for my life.  It was ME who doubted everything.  I have been amazed at His intimate nearness and continual presence.  It is overwhelming to acknowledge that this great God has a wonderful path for me when there is so much about me that shouts, "BLEMISHED, FAULTY, WEAK, INADEQUATE." My prayer is that I continue to chisel away at those imperfections and follow God with fervor and zeal.  

Thank you dear family and friends who have been the only reason (outside of God's help) I haven't toppled under the weight of sorrow.  YOU have been God's hand extended to me.  You have stepped in and made all the difference.  YOU have loved me back from the brink of despair.  YOU have encouraged me JUST when I needed it.  YOU have wiped my tears AND cried with me.  YOU have given me the impetus to hang on. YOU have loved me with all of my many faults.

This year has shown me the following truths:
     *Life is not fair
     *Sometimes it is during the most challenging situations of our life that faith develops
     *The Holy Spirit is ALWAYS available to offer assistance, we just need to ask
     *We MUST think supernaturally - to trust when things seem so messed up
     *To choose joy through difficulties
     *To follow God wholeheartedly, even when we are unsure of what is ahead
     *The necessity to look beyond our ever changing circumstances to the One who is the same, 
     YESTERDAY, TODAY AND FOREVER 
     *To trust God and rest in his sovereignty

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

Please continue to pray for me as I venture forward.  After this school year is over, I am eligible for retirement but have no idea what my life looks like past the last day of school.  There are many uncertainties about what lies ahead BUT I do know the One who holds my future.  God is my center and I rest in HIM.

I love you!
Teena

"Let my cry come right into your presence, God; provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.  Give my request your personal attention, rescue me on the terms of your promise.  Let praise cascade off my lips; after all, you've taught me the truth about life!  And let your promises ring from my tongue; every order you've given is right.  Put your hand out and steady me since I've chosen to live by your counsel."  Psalm 119: 169-173


       
    

Healing in the Valley of the Sun

Grand Canyon July 2011

I boarded the Allegiant flight with mixed emotions on July 26th, 2011.  For those of you who know me well, you wouldn't be surprised as you know that flying is very low on my list of "favorite things."  It wasn't the flight this time though that troubled me, but the fact that I was going to Arizona to attend General Council and judge Fine Arts without being by Dennis' side.  The exciting prospect was spending almost two weeks with Sara and her college roommate and maid of honor, Amber.  Amber lives and teaches school in Mesa and we were going to spend a week with her, in her new home, sight-see and then on to the hotel for Council the following week. 

 My emotions were raw as I attempted to visualize myself at General Council without Dennis.  We had missed only one Council in the 36 years we were married and it was always such fun to just "sit back" and watch Dennis work his magic with people.  He never forgot a name, a connection or an association and always left with more new friends that you can imagine.  I had been asked to judge Fine Arts "in Dennis' place" this year and it was the most intimidating assignment imaginable.  There is NO FILLING DENNIS' PLACE - PERIOD, but somehow I felt it was imperative that he be represented there.  He had given over 25 years of his life to judging young men and women and pouring into their lives in this venue and therefore it had to be done.  It ended up being a highlight and a very healing time for me.  The young men I judged with, Aaron & Nathan, were so gracious to this "old lady" and incredibly talented and resourceful.  It was such an enjoyable time and I can't wait to judge again :)

My time with Sara was priceless and to have Amber as well made everything perfect.  It was surprising to me that I would fall in love with Arizona.  Yes, it was HOT but a dry heat and who could stay focused on the fieriness of the desert with the beauty that surrounded us?  The mountains, cacti, mesquite, rock formations and unbelievably azure sky with those beautifully inflated clouds took my breath away.  The trip to Sedona and to the Grand Canyon cannot be described by me.  There are no words magnificent enough and no camera that can capture the grandeur and splendor that met our eyes.  I saw Dennis everywhere we went.  He was in the splendor of every sunrise and sunset, in the radiant red soil and the majesty of the Grand Canyon.  While at Council I saw him among friends who surrounded us from when "our story" began in 1971.  I cannot count the number of precious friends who assured me they had prayed for me countless times (as well as many of them sending cards and notes and scriptures to encourage me time and time again).  There were those who were unaware until this past week that Dennis had gone on to his eternal reward and we cried together as their grief journey began right then and there.  At the Memorial Breakfast, it was heartbreaking to watch his name scroll across the screen and yet it proved to be another healing moment as well.  I saw him sitting among the judges and the thousands of students gathered to share talent that represented hard work and commitment of gifts dedicated to the Lord.  I could almost catch the sound of his laugh,  hear his encouraging words and see the smile that lit his face as he shared the wonderment of Evangel University.  He was there as we sat in the Airways arena and watched a group of young people perform "nontraditional" percussion, beating on trash cans and crashing their lids while stomping and twirling (he would have applauded their talent and been the first to say how wonderful it was that they were there in Phoenix celebrating Jesus when they could have been anywhere else but...).  I felt him with me every minute and could feel his smile and his pride in me that I was continuing the vision we had together.  I could very nearly hear him say, "I never doubted for a minute that you would continue to move forward.  I'm so proud of you!" It proved to be a corner turned, a healing time, A MIRACLE. 

Sara & Teena at the Grand Canyon - July, 2011