A few months ago, a friend was wearing a necklace that I admired. It was somewhat like a relaxed "s" shape with three diamonds set in gold. She explained that it represented the "past, present & future." What wonderful symbolism.
My trip to Texas has been a trip down memory lane. Arrived in Pampa, TX on Friday and visited with my 1972 roomie from Southwestern, Sharon. We hadn't seen each other for 39 years but we started talking and it was as though we were 18 years old again. We have followed each other on Facebook but its not the same as good ole fashioned conversation. We both decided that thirty-nine years is way too long for good friends to be apart. We conversed about first loves and the disappointments of life. After leaving Sharon, drove on to Amarillo to stay with my first cousin Barbara. Barbara was very close to my mother and her daughter Diana and I were very close growing up. We had such fun talking "nonstop" about events in each of our lives since being together last. Barbara lost her husband, Harold, when she was 31 and he was 33 so she could relate to where I am. It just so happened that the Tascosa High School class of 1971 reunion was this weekend. Didn't want to go by myself but noticed on the schedule of events that the school would be open on Saturday for a tour. My brother, Floryan, went with me and we toured the school. It was as though a time machine abducted me and there I was, a senior roaming those long hauls, talking around the locker and kneeling on the "commons" floor as Ms. Willy measured my skirt to rule if it was long enough or not (it certainly wasn't very long :) Recalled my high school best friend, Jeanne, sliding down the steps next to the office and me laughing at her (and her NOT appreciating it). I LOVED HIGH SCHOOL and it was great fun to meet some of my classmates again and reminisce about days gone by. Afterwards, Floryan drove us past our childhood home and the memories that flooded back of neighbors and childhood friends. Sunday morning found me at my home church. Dennis and I attended Southwestern with the Pastor and his wife before any of us were married and, of course, there were friends there who have known me my entire life. I couldn't leave town without stopping at the cemetery to see Mama and Daddy, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins buried there. What was once an area with few family gravestones in the Marigold section of Memorial Park is now dense with the remains of those I hold so dear. It is easy to get caught up in the past. The past for me is where so many of my family members are and is where Dennis has been for close to a year now. The problem is, to get stuck in the past is never the Lord's will. We cannot stay there and move forward at the same time. The past must be left behind even as we cherish, treasure and hold dear those memories.
The present and future are more difficult. Those of you who are well acquainted with me, are very aware of how I like to "know" who, where, why, how, etc. It is the "unknown" that is disconcerting and yet, the Lord tells us to "take no thought of tomorrow." We aren't to "borrow" trouble. (Trouble is NOT what I'm wanting to borrow) When a young child, Mama would sing the song, "Que Sera Sera." I would ask her to sing it over and over again. The lyrics are as follows:
"When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here's what she said to me.
Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see, Que Sera Sera, what will be, will be.
The future isn't mine to see. Moving onward is a trust journey. Although plans are made, I MUST live this day to the fullest without anguish or apprehension about my impending destiny. Dennis' death was so unexpected. Never did I entertain the thought of walking into the winter of my life without him. It rocked my world and kindled a fire storm of doubt and fear about my future. I loved being a wife, partner, companion and best friend. Can I ever be capable of giving and receiving such love again? Trust is difficult and my conclusion is that I cannot let my need to understand and "know" separate me from a close daily journey with Christ. "
"Christ is the lover of my soul, understands me perfectly and loves me eternally." Sarah Young
"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
