Easter meant more to me this year than ever before. There has always been the realization that the death and resurrection of Jesus is the very foundation of Christianity. I have celebrated this season with gusto my entire life. Growing up, we prepared for Easter by getting a new spring outfit (for me that included white gloves and a bonnet -girly girl my entire life), dying eggs, usually getting a little chick or duckling, attending the sunrise service and then church service and then dinner with family. My Mama always connected those "traditions" with the bedrock of why we celebrated Easter at all. It was ALWAYS brought back to Jesus, His death and resurrection, and the acknowledgment that because of Him, we became "new creatures" who LIVE FOREVER. I passed those traditions on to Sara (except for the wildlife).
This past Easter weekend was full of remembrance and evaluation for me. There have been many losses through the years and it has always been a comfort knowing that one day we would all be reunited. Over the past 15 years, losses have included my Mama and Daddy, Dennis' Mom and Dad, 7 aunts, 5 first cousins and a number of friends. There was grief and sadness but Dennis and I had each other to lean on, and to remind each other of "our hope" for rejoining those we love.
Since Dennis' death, to be perfectly candid, I have questioned the very existence of heaven and that hope for reunion. As close and special as my relationship was with my mother, NOTHING prepared me for the despair I felt with the loss of Dennis. It was vitally important to "know for sure" that he lived on. There were moments that I questioned EVERY ELEMENT OF MY BELIEF SYSTEM. He was so dynamic, significant, critical to "this world" that it was so perplexing to even entertain the thought of why a fair, sovereign God (whom he was working so effectively for) would snatch him without warning. For what possible purpose would his effective ministry come to an abrupt end? I cried out to God, begged, pleaded, rationally conversed with ( er....), railed and bawled for a sign that Dennis "LIVED ON" with naught in response. ONLY SILENCE! Even in HIS silence, it is so apparent that God has been faithful to me. He has used so many people to be His hand extended and to help bring healing to my broken heart.
Now, a little farther down the road of healing, I come to realize that this is a "faith" journey. It is most likely that the answers being sought will stay a mystery to me. The reality of what Jesus accomplished through His death and resurrection impact me deeply. There is so much brokenness in this world and it is absolutely necessary to live by faith and give up seeking answers that really won't change the circumstances. I am certainly not brandishing any measure of great faith but realize that the power of Christ can work in my fracturable neediness and bring me ever closer to executing the plan He has for my life. My life is forever amended and there is no way to revise that fact. However, my choice here and now is to hope and trust the Lord to give me direction. I want to move forward and accomplish everything possible for His glory.
Trying moments don't stop as you move on, they continue to hit you at such unusual times. An example of this has been the daunting task to choose a grave marker for someone you love intensely. While Sara was still here, we went to look at markers and she leaned toward a double stone with both Dennis' and my information on it. My friend Sherli mentioned the phrase on the marker for her brother and his wife and it struck the perfect note with us. The monument company will put both our names and birth dates on the stone and then they will put Dennis' date of death. The phrase they will also put on the stone is: HE FINISHED WELL I have secured a promise from Sara that ONLY IF I too finish my race with faithfulness, living my life abundantly, that they will add upon my death two additional letters so that the stone will read: THEY FINISHED WELL. You know, it doesn't really matter at all how you start the race - all that matters is how you finish it. I am striving to get back on track and finish my race with exhilaration and zeal!
"And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you." Romans 8:11
Monday, April 25, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The Journey Leads Through Turbulent Waters
Well, I just arrived home from my second Grief Share group tonight at church. The theme that seems to be shared over and over by the various experts on the video are the words "journey" and "waves". They talk about grief being a journey that one is never prepared for and that grief comes in "waves" that seem to wash over you. Those two words have been part of my experience for sure. I wrote the following on FB back at the end of October when Dennis had been gone for just about 8 weeks. To be perfectly forthright with you, never in my wildest dreams did I think this process would be so grueling. I considered myself "strong", "resolute", "steadfast", "persevering", "steady", "tenacious", "unfaltering", "unwavering", BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! Wow, what was I thinking??????? What an unrealistic notion about myself. Instead the words like "afraid", "irresolute", "cowardly" and "weak" (to name but a few) describe me more fittingly. You know, without Jesus, that about sums me up. But because of HIM, the anchor holds in the storm. Because of HIM, we can face tomorrow. Because of HIM the pit of grief and despair can be scaled. Because of HIM, we can one day dance on our ashes.
Decided to copy my note from those many weeks ago to remind ME of the promises of God and pray it will bless you as well. We all face difficult roads and waves that batter and pummel us. It is a different journey for each of us but the Lord knows where we are and He is there to be our refuge and strength.
The Anchor Holds in Spite of the Storm
At church, Pastor Jeff has been preaching a series on the "rhythms" of life. The dictionary has a number of definitions for rhythm but all of them deal with a "regular recurrence" in a system of motion. I certainly am "getting" that" as my rhythm has been forever altered. There is one thing I know for sure, it must take lots of time to get "into" that new rhythm.
The way it presents itself in my imagination is like floating near the oceans shore in a relaxed, comfortable, reassuring, typical manner. I have on my life jacket, feel secure and can see the lights of home from where my body floats effortlessly in the water. The beautiful water is clear, perfectly calm and the shells and small fish swimming below me add to the serenity of the moment. Dennis was that underlying security for me. Life was good and he was why. (Now, before anyone gets concerned, of course the Lord was the center of our lives and universe). Oh the number of times I thought about my life and how good it was. It was almost too good to be true because life was SO wonderful and I prayed that nothing would cause the proverbial "rug to be pulled out from under my feet" and life as we knew it would disappear. Isn't that odd that one would even go there in their thinking when things were great?? Why would it even dawn on me to think it could end in a heartbeat?
But IT DID END IN A HEARTBEAT! His heartbeat was strong one moment and absent the next and life as it was -GONE FOREVER!
Now, I see myself in that same body of water. Rather than floating peacefully, I am flailing, making waves, gasping for air and the fear of drowning is very real. When looking at that same ocean as before, it now seems never ending, dark with unknown dangers lurking in the depths. There are no lights of home on a nearby shore or the buoyancy of a life jacket with that promise of security. The worst part, Dennis is not there to tread the rough waters with me. He is not there to say it will all be okay, his positive optimistic attitude calming my uneasiness. His steady hand and unwavering faith is absent. It crosses your mind to let that turbulent, churning force of water just take you, toss you, lose you.
BUT IT IS THEN THAT JESUS SPEAKS IN THAT STILL SMALL VOICE AND IF I LISTEN, WILL HEAR HIM SPEAK PEACE TO ME!
A close friend, Kim Driver Thomas, has walked where I walk today. She lost her husband when they were in their early thirties with two young children. She moved to Springfield after Mike died and we caught up again although we had been friends for years. One never met Dennis and didn't stay his friend for life! She spoke one evening at church and shared her heart and story AND she sang a song I hadn't heard before, "The Anchor Holds in Spite of the Storm" by Ray Boltz. Oh how I cried. The words to the song spoke to me and I haven't forgotten them in all these years. The lyrics follow:
I have journeyed
Through the long, dark night
Out on the open sea
By faith alone
Sight unknown
And yet His eyes were watching me.
CHORUS:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm.
I've had visions
I've had dreams
I've even held them in my hand
But I never knew
They would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand
I have been young
But I am older now
And there has been beauty
That these eyes have seen
But it was in the night
Through the storms in my life
Oh, that's where God proved
His love to me.
CHORUS:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm.
Thank you Jesus that you are with me during this storm. Thank you for sheltering me and holding me close. I trust you with my future and with my life!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
And Baby Made Three - and completed us!
What an enjoyable evening last night at a banquet filled with friends. It was the Pregnancy Care Center's annual banquet and fund raiser and just listening to them talk about the 5,900 babies saved because mothers chose "life" over the past eleven years was astounding AND it took me back.
My entire young life was filled with "family". My mother was the eleventh of twelve children and, needless to say, there were bounteous cousins all around. My dad was the youngest of four children and there were thirteen of us "first" cousins on that side. Can't recall a time in my young life that the plan to be a wife and mother wasn't right there at the top of my list. Of course it would be a boy and a girl, just like mama and daddy had. It never occurred to me that life wasn't just that simple.
I can see Dennis, to this day, sitting at a table in the registration line at Southwestern Assemblies of God College (now University) in the fall of 1971. He was recruiting people for various reasons and thought it would be a great idea for me to be the work study secretary for "Maw Reinhold" (Mrs. Miriam Reinhold) who taught speech and directed the plays at the school. You see, he was also trying to recruit me to "try out" for this play and how perfect, if I had to work, that it would be for "Maw." Of course, it DID turn out that way (would you think it wouldn't if Dennis willed it). I was Maw's secretary AND played the role of his girlfriend in the play, "The Perfect Idiot." He had to kiss me in the script and I can tell you right now - IT WAS ALL OVER FOR ME. Now don't get me wrong, we both fought the attraction until we became engaged in September of 1973. Life was going to be PERFECT. We would get married, he would go to work for Southwestern, we would travel the world and then, at just the perfect time, we would become parents. SETTLED!!
Well, we did get married in August of 1974, he went to work at Southwestern, we did travel the world and after six years of great adventure, we were ready to have a baby. Problem was, I developed a serious health issue and pregnancy was OUT OF THE PICTURE. Dennis wasn't put off by it at all. His response was that he loved me more than life itself and we could adopt or it could just be he and I (Dennis has ALWAYS been the most positive and optimistic person on earth). We pastored a church and then moved to another city to both be on a mega-church staff. Our lives were CRAZY but the dream never died that a baby would complete our little family. Through a series of connections and miracles, a baby became available to us and we were THRILLED!
Dennis just knew that the baby would be a boy. I was "not so secretly" hoping for a girl although it really didn't matter to either one of us. We wanted a healthy baby and set out to come up with names. If a boy, he would have been Jeffrey Scott. We had two girls names: Emily Rebbecca and Sara Elizabeth. Dennis said that we would "just know" which name was right. When the call came that "SHE" had been born, Dennis immediately referred to "her" as SARA BETH. And Sara Beth she was. I can so clearly see Dennis as we (my mother had flown in to share in this moment with us) waited to see Sara for the first time. He practically ran when they brought her to us and was the first to lay eyes on this precious bundle. His first words were, "Look at her hands. She has piano fingers." He was right. Sara has long skinny fingers that played the piano, violin and harp. We took stock to make sure she had all ten fingers and toes and tried to make sure that under those pudgy cheeks, there really was a chin. We all cried as the judge declared us her guardians and set the official adoption date. Oh my, you would think we were the ONLY people to ever become parents. Dennis had been diagnosed with cancer just three weeks before Sara was born and, to be honest, I wasn't sure what we should do at that point. Her birth gave him yet another reason to fight that dreaded "C" disease and look forward to the future. He had difficulty sleeping at night during the time he was receiving daily radiation therapy. What a miraculous time of bonding for father and daughter during those long nights. He would feed her, talk to her, sing to her and rock her for countless hours. She was his princess and it was a match made in heaven. Sara was a daddy's girl from the get-go. Dennis was a kid at heart. He was always so fun loving and he would play games with her while waiting for me to run into the grocery store or at the restaurant. Two of her favorites were "Good Hand, Bad Hand" and the "Disappearing Tomato." They were both Dennis originals!
Through the years of her growing up, her Daddy was ALWAYS available to pray for her, meet her friends and teach her that God was faithful. He directed her in church plays to raise money for special events, he drove carloads of kids to camp and sat through many a recital as well as carting her to multitudinous music lessons. During her high school and college years, there was many a night that I would wake up and find him missing from the bed. When looking to see if he was okay, would find him on his knees in the living room, touching the throne of God in behalf of his girl. How grateful to God I am that He spared Dennis from death when he was so ill during his recurrence of cancer. How grateful to God I am that Sara was able to grow up with a daddy who was such a great example of being a Godly Christian, husband and father. How grateful I am to God that they both were able to experience the magical four years together at Evangel University and that he was there to watch her walk the line to graduate. How grateful to God I am that Dennis was able to walk his baby girl down the aisle at her wedding, serve she and Jason communion and pray a prayer over them that had everyone present in tears.
I listened at the Pregnancy Care Center banquet with great delight as they shared the journey of a couple who chose life. The audience was introduced to a beautiful little girl, who at a little over one year old, stole the show. It reminded me once again of how eternally grateful I am to the young lady who chose life for Sara. I can only imagine how incredibly heart wrenching it had to have been for her to decide on adoption for this precious bundle she selflessly gave birth to. The prayer that Dennis prayed at Sara's wedding (that had everyone in tears) touched on that very thing. He thanked God for the precious young woman who chose life, and because she did, Dennis & Teena were celebrating this very special moment. Because of her, Dennis and I became Mama and Daddy.
My entire young life was filled with "family". My mother was the eleventh of twelve children and, needless to say, there were bounteous cousins all around. My dad was the youngest of four children and there were thirteen of us "first" cousins on that side. Can't recall a time in my young life that the plan to be a wife and mother wasn't right there at the top of my list. Of course it would be a boy and a girl, just like mama and daddy had. It never occurred to me that life wasn't just that simple.
I can see Dennis, to this day, sitting at a table in the registration line at Southwestern Assemblies of God College (now University) in the fall of 1971. He was recruiting people for various reasons and thought it would be a great idea for me to be the work study secretary for "Maw Reinhold" (Mrs. Miriam Reinhold) who taught speech and directed the plays at the school. You see, he was also trying to recruit me to "try out" for this play and how perfect, if I had to work, that it would be for "Maw." Of course, it DID turn out that way (would you think it wouldn't if Dennis willed it). I was Maw's secretary AND played the role of his girlfriend in the play, "The Perfect Idiot." He had to kiss me in the script and I can tell you right now - IT WAS ALL OVER FOR ME. Now don't get me wrong, we both fought the attraction until we became engaged in September of 1973. Life was going to be PERFECT. We would get married, he would go to work for Southwestern, we would travel the world and then, at just the perfect time, we would become parents. SETTLED!!
Well, we did get married in August of 1974, he went to work at Southwestern, we did travel the world and after six years of great adventure, we were ready to have a baby. Problem was, I developed a serious health issue and pregnancy was OUT OF THE PICTURE. Dennis wasn't put off by it at all. His response was that he loved me more than life itself and we could adopt or it could just be he and I (Dennis has ALWAYS been the most positive and optimistic person on earth). We pastored a church and then moved to another city to both be on a mega-church staff. Our lives were CRAZY but the dream never died that a baby would complete our little family. Through a series of connections and miracles, a baby became available to us and we were THRILLED!
Dennis just knew that the baby would be a boy. I was "not so secretly" hoping for a girl although it really didn't matter to either one of us. We wanted a healthy baby and set out to come up with names. If a boy, he would have been Jeffrey Scott. We had two girls names: Emily Rebbecca and Sara Elizabeth. Dennis said that we would "just know" which name was right. When the call came that "SHE" had been born, Dennis immediately referred to "her" as SARA BETH. And Sara Beth she was. I can so clearly see Dennis as we (my mother had flown in to share in this moment with us) waited to see Sara for the first time. He practically ran when they brought her to us and was the first to lay eyes on this precious bundle. His first words were, "Look at her hands. She has piano fingers." He was right. Sara has long skinny fingers that played the piano, violin and harp. We took stock to make sure she had all ten fingers and toes and tried to make sure that under those pudgy cheeks, there really was a chin. We all cried as the judge declared us her guardians and set the official adoption date. Oh my, you would think we were the ONLY people to ever become parents. Dennis had been diagnosed with cancer just three weeks before Sara was born and, to be honest, I wasn't sure what we should do at that point. Her birth gave him yet another reason to fight that dreaded "C" disease and look forward to the future. He had difficulty sleeping at night during the time he was receiving daily radiation therapy. What a miraculous time of bonding for father and daughter during those long nights. He would feed her, talk to her, sing to her and rock her for countless hours. She was his princess and it was a match made in heaven. Sara was a daddy's girl from the get-go. Dennis was a kid at heart. He was always so fun loving and he would play games with her while waiting for me to run into the grocery store or at the restaurant. Two of her favorites were "Good Hand, Bad Hand" and the "Disappearing Tomato." They were both Dennis originals!
Through the years of her growing up, her Daddy was ALWAYS available to pray for her, meet her friends and teach her that God was faithful. He directed her in church plays to raise money for special events, he drove carloads of kids to camp and sat through many a recital as well as carting her to multitudinous music lessons. During her high school and college years, there was many a night that I would wake up and find him missing from the bed. When looking to see if he was okay, would find him on his knees in the living room, touching the throne of God in behalf of his girl. How grateful to God I am that He spared Dennis from death when he was so ill during his recurrence of cancer. How grateful to God I am that Sara was able to grow up with a daddy who was such a great example of being a Godly Christian, husband and father. How grateful I am to God that they both were able to experience the magical four years together at Evangel University and that he was there to watch her walk the line to graduate. How grateful to God I am that Dennis was able to walk his baby girl down the aisle at her wedding, serve she and Jason communion and pray a prayer over them that had everyone present in tears.
I listened at the Pregnancy Care Center banquet with great delight as they shared the journey of a couple who chose life. The audience was introduced to a beautiful little girl, who at a little over one year old, stole the show. It reminded me once again of how eternally grateful I am to the young lady who chose life for Sara. I can only imagine how incredibly heart wrenching it had to have been for her to decide on adoption for this precious bundle she selflessly gave birth to. The prayer that Dennis prayed at Sara's wedding (that had everyone in tears) touched on that very thing. He thanked God for the precious young woman who chose life, and because she did, Dennis & Teena were celebrating this very special moment. Because of her, Dennis and I became Mama and Daddy.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matt. 5:4
Seven and a half months after Dennis' death I am enrolled in a Grief Recovery class and have attended my first session. Mixed emotions about even the thought of attending this type of "group" meeting saw me waver back and forth while deciding to attend. My wonderful church has sent a series of three books on grief which were very good and, in addition, I have read several on my own and currently am finishing up the book by C. S. Lewis, "A Grief Observed." Wow, his encounter with grief was intense and he, like me, found it more overwhelming than ever thought possible.
What do I think of this class is the question that has been asked a number of times today. Well, its hard to arrive at a conclusion this soon into it, but think it will be another rich side road on my journey that I can glean from and take away morsels of wisdom to help make the path easier to navigate. It was challenging last night. There were many emotional moments for me during the video and while others shared so felt a little deflated when it was over and I arrived home. What strikes me the most at this point is the fact that there are others traveling as well. No person experiences grief the same way but one thing is abundantly clear, it is PAINFUL! So, my plan is to continue this thirteen weeks and attend as often as possible.
Dear friends, there surely isn't anyone who is comfortable with and wants to contine in grief. The agitated, churning, surging emotions I have gained experience with are not something to wish on anyone and irrefutably are something you pray to avoid in the future. Unfortunately, we don't evade death, it comes for those we love and it will affect all of us at one time or another. When one loves deeply, the loss is profound. Would I give up the great love experienced with Dennis to bypass the pain? NOT ONE SINGLE SECOND OF IT. As Christians, we are so blessed, because of the ressurection of Jesus, to have ETERNAL LIFE. What ultimate sacrifice He gave so that we have the hope of heaven and eternity in the presence of Jesus with those we love. Because of this great hope, I want to heal and move forward to fulfill the plan that God has in store for me. It is heart-rending to envision that future without Dennis in it BUT heartwarming to know that the God of the universe has a plan for me.
Please continue to pray for me and my fellow journeyers as we move onward during this next 12 weeks together. Pray that we will grow and heal and that the lonliness, pain, fears, sorrow and uncertainties will begin to diminish as we move forward. Pray that our facilitators will have the wisdom of God as they lead, minister and encourage us.
You, precious ones, are my GIFT AND I LOVE YOU DEARLY!
"I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you...You are precious in my sight, and honored, and I love you." Isaiah 43:1-2, 4
June 2010
What do I think of this class is the question that has been asked a number of times today. Well, its hard to arrive at a conclusion this soon into it, but think it will be another rich side road on my journey that I can glean from and take away morsels of wisdom to help make the path easier to navigate. It was challenging last night. There were many emotional moments for me during the video and while others shared so felt a little deflated when it was over and I arrived home. What strikes me the most at this point is the fact that there are others traveling as well. No person experiences grief the same way but one thing is abundantly clear, it is PAINFUL! So, my plan is to continue this thirteen weeks and attend as often as possible.
Dear friends, there surely isn't anyone who is comfortable with and wants to contine in grief. The agitated, churning, surging emotions I have gained experience with are not something to wish on anyone and irrefutably are something you pray to avoid in the future. Unfortunately, we don't evade death, it comes for those we love and it will affect all of us at one time or another. When one loves deeply, the loss is profound. Would I give up the great love experienced with Dennis to bypass the pain? NOT ONE SINGLE SECOND OF IT. As Christians, we are so blessed, because of the ressurection of Jesus, to have ETERNAL LIFE. What ultimate sacrifice He gave so that we have the hope of heaven and eternity in the presence of Jesus with those we love. Because of this great hope, I want to heal and move forward to fulfill the plan that God has in store for me. It is heart-rending to envision that future without Dennis in it BUT heartwarming to know that the God of the universe has a plan for me.
Please continue to pray for me and my fellow journeyers as we move onward during this next 12 weeks together. Pray that we will grow and heal and that the lonliness, pain, fears, sorrow and uncertainties will begin to diminish as we move forward. Pray that our facilitators will have the wisdom of God as they lead, minister and encourage us.
You, precious ones, are my GIFT AND I LOVE YOU DEARLY!
"I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you...You are precious in my sight, and honored, and I love you." Isaiah 43:1-2, 4
June 2010Saturday, April 2, 2011
His Love Never Quits Psalm 136:3
You never know when a wave of grief will wash over you. It hit me at an extremely odd place today. I was in the parking lot of Kohl's, walking to my car after returning an item when I heard something so seemingly ordinary, yet it caused an outburst of emotion. An older gentlemen was standing by his car talking on his cell phone and said the following, "OK, I'll be watching for you." Can't count the number of times Dennis and I said those very words, or ones very similar, to one another on numerous occasions. He worked several nights a week at Evangel with his work study students. We would have an event to attend or just a quick run somewhere for a bite to eat and I would swing by Evangel to pick him up. Before the appointed time, one of us would call the other to check on location and possible delays. He would leave the second floor where his office was to meet me out front and would always end the call with, "I'll be watching for you." He or I would say those words when trying to meet up at the mall, while on vacation, with friends, at Silver Dollar City or most anywhere. Didn't really ever give those words much thought, it was just a way of connecting back up after a separation. Oh the words that are spoken out of habit that we don't come to treasure until it's too late to hear them again from the people we love.
After listening to the man in the parking lot utter those words, realized that never again on this earth would I hear Dennis say those words to me. It was heartbreaking! You know what though? There isn't a day that goes by I'm not searching the parking lot, crowd of people, cars passing by to look for Dennis. When I pass Evangel, my eyes immediately go to the Administration Building parking lot to look for his black Expedition with the expectation that surely it will be there this time. When passing other cars, I turn my head to check out the occupants. At any function such as a basketball game or play on the Evangel campus I am scrutinizing the crowd, seeking a glimpse of those beautiful brown eyes, ready smile and familiar features that seem to be more elusive as each day passes. When I pass by his pool table downstairs or walk through this house where so many happy memories took place, and find him absent, it causes absolute anguish and desolation. We did so many things together, were so connected that almost anywhere I go an awareness and consciousness of him is there. When going to church, I picture him beside me in the car on the way, singing hymns together, his rich beautiful voice ringing out to harmonize with my barely in tune one. I envision him beside me in class, beside me in the church service and can almost feel the touch of his hand as it holds mine and the warmth of his skin as I curl my arm through his. The crowd is inspected as my gaze sweeps across that massive sanctuary, hoping against hope that he is merely conversing with old and new friends and will soon be by my side. Dennis, I'm watching for you.
Can't help but think about how Dennis would be traveling this road called grief. I think he would be a much better model, knowing that the Lord is always there- in the bad times as well as the good. He would be so aware of God's faithfulness and His promises that we can cling to in the midst of the raging storm. I really am trying, but it seems as I drive ahead, the winds clutch at me and blow me back BUT forward I venture, one step at a time. Thank you precious friends and family for your ardent prayers on my behalf. Your faithful obedience has touched God's heart. There is no way to know for sure what Dennis' thoughts were in those last moments of his life except to feel absolutely certain that he was anticipating being in God's very presence. I also sense that he unquestionably tried to convey this message to me in those final moments, "Teena, I'll be watching for you."
After listening to the man in the parking lot utter those words, realized that never again on this earth would I hear Dennis say those words to me. It was heartbreaking! You know what though? There isn't a day that goes by I'm not searching the parking lot, crowd of people, cars passing by to look for Dennis. When I pass Evangel, my eyes immediately go to the Administration Building parking lot to look for his black Expedition with the expectation that surely it will be there this time. When passing other cars, I turn my head to check out the occupants. At any function such as a basketball game or play on the Evangel campus I am scrutinizing the crowd, seeking a glimpse of those beautiful brown eyes, ready smile and familiar features that seem to be more elusive as each day passes. When I pass by his pool table downstairs or walk through this house where so many happy memories took place, and find him absent, it causes absolute anguish and desolation. We did so many things together, were so connected that almost anywhere I go an awareness and consciousness of him is there. When going to church, I picture him beside me in the car on the way, singing hymns together, his rich beautiful voice ringing out to harmonize with my barely in tune one. I envision him beside me in class, beside me in the church service and can almost feel the touch of his hand as it holds mine and the warmth of his skin as I curl my arm through his. The crowd is inspected as my gaze sweeps across that massive sanctuary, hoping against hope that he is merely conversing with old and new friends and will soon be by my side. Dennis, I'm watching for you.
Can't help but think about how Dennis would be traveling this road called grief. I think he would be a much better model, knowing that the Lord is always there- in the bad times as well as the good. He would be so aware of God's faithfulness and His promises that we can cling to in the midst of the raging storm. I really am trying, but it seems as I drive ahead, the winds clutch at me and blow me back BUT forward I venture, one step at a time. Thank you precious friends and family for your ardent prayers on my behalf. Your faithful obedience has touched God's heart. There is no way to know for sure what Dennis' thoughts were in those last moments of his life except to feel absolutely certain that he was anticipating being in God's very presence. I also sense that he unquestionably tried to convey this message to me in those final moments, "Teena, I'll be watching for you."
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