My thoughts have really focused on LOSS the last few days. It seems that after one has experienced deep loss you can easily spot it in the eyes of others. Maybe I'm just ultra sensitive right now but feel keenly aware of the turmoil in others and the impact it produces.
When a disruption (or eruption in some cases) occurs, it wreaks havoc. Just watching the devastation in Japan shows us the chaos that follows such an event. Many of us react in similar ways when experiencing a disruption in our own lives. I have felt like a nuclear reactor about to blow several times during the past seven months and yet, many other times, wished for the tsunami to wash over me and propel me out to sea. However, the loss I've reflected on during these last days has not displayed my reflection in the mirror.
You probably know many who have experienced loss of one kind or another My attention turned to a precious young woman this week who is bravely facing a major "disruption" in her life. To say that this person is beautiful, inside and out, is an understatement. She is physically beautiful - so much so that she could be on the cover of a major magazine. She offers much more than physical beauty though, she has a sweet spirit and loves and honors God with all of her heart. Still, she has faced a loss so deep that she is reeling as she attempts to pick up the pieces and begin again. Her loss is a very different kind from mine but possibly even more devastating. There is no doubt in my mind that she will overcome the chaos and move forward but there will always be scars from the debris field. I pray that she has friends who will walk beside her as the road of LOSS is dark, lonely and filled with rubble that can cause a stumble.
There are friends around me everyday who have experienced loss. Loss of a parent, loss of a child, loss of a job, loss of a dream, loss of a vision, loss of a ministry, loss of a friendship, loss of joy. It struck me over the last few days that many times we turn a blind eye to those suffering loss because it makes us uncomfortable or possibly will require time we don't feel we have. Maybe it is easier to just hope that someone else will walk the road with them. How fortunate I have been - my family and friends have been there in ways that could take weeks to impart. I mean they have BEEN THERE FOR ME! I HAVE HUGE SHOES TO FILL and plenty of those around me who need my help on their journey.
Bottom line, those experiencing loss have a deep constant need for God's peace. Peace will flourish when we trust Him in the midst of trouble. The Lord removes the rubble and debris from our path and makes the wild destructive road a place of beauty. A place of beauty???? There are things we see, hear and experience on this road called LOSS that can't be experienced anywhere else. Don't get me wrong!!!! I DO NOT RELISH THIS JOURNEY - IT HAS BEEN THE MOST DIFFICULT, ARDUOUS, CHALLENGING, FORMIDABLE, LABORIOUS, PAINFUL, WEARISOME, DEMANDING, EFFORTFUL...uh, you get the picture! In the midst of intense grief, I see that God WILL complete His work in me and realize that it can be easier (if allowed) to deteriorate in disheartenment than to live in hope. Dennis preached a wonderful sermon that he entitled "I Choose Joy." We, as Christians, will not escape from pain and sorrow BUT we can choose the joy that only God can give. Our need for a Savior is great even in the brightest days of life although we don't always acknowledge Him. When deep sorrow and loss impact us, hopefully we turn to Jesus AND we become His hand extended to others.
I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford
I need Thee, O, I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior
I come to Thee
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain
I need Thee, O, I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior
I come to Thee
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
It's a Long and Winding Road
Never would I have imagined that driving through Tulsa, Oklahoma would cause such an upheaval of emotion. Went to visit Jerry & Carolyn Fore (Jerry is Dennis' 1st cousin on mother's side) in Stillwater,OK for the weekend and, of course, drove through Tulsa. My goodness, the memories came flooding back at such breakneck speed and the tears flowed so that it was difficult to see the road.
Let me admit something right here ~~ It isn't easy letting go of the past. Why is that you might ask?? Easy enough to answer, because Dennis is in my past and I want to be where he is. Also have to admit that although my physical body is out there (going to one activity after another), my emotional heart has yet to venture out into the land of the living. There are some who seem to think that there is a certain time allotment of grief and when that magical number comes up, grief is spent and it is time to move on. Well, all I can say is this, the journey is different and very personal for each individual. It is something that you just can't grasp until you have been there AND even then, the roads we all travel are just not the same.
Tulsa, Oklahoma is important because after leaving Southwestern A/G College (UNIV) after his sophomore year (he graduated from the Junior College) Dennis attended Oral Roberts University in Tulsa. It was the 1972/1973 school year and I was completing my second year at Southwestern. We kept the road hot between Waxahachie, TX and Tulsa. The first time to see ORU, I was awe struck. What a beautiful campus it was with the prayer tower and the towering dormitory buildings. It was this year that we really fell in love and in September of 1973 Dennis would propose. What bittersweet memories flashed across my mind as I saw from afar the outline of buildings at ORU and recalled familiar street names I passed on the Interstate. Why can't I be one of those people who keep a daily dairy or journal so the pages could be thumbed through and every memory of what we did and where we went could be recounted? During what month and on what day did we first mention the word "LOVE"? What activities did we attend, what friends did I meet, what restaurants did we eat at, who came with me and on and on. Dennis would be able to recount the answer to most of those questions because his memory was extraordinary as any of you who knew him at all could attest to. Why didn't he and I write down our story together, with each recalling the specifics from different points of view? Why? Because we think we have FOREVER and tomorrow we will do those things until tomorrow is today and it is too late.
My brain/intellect GETS it friends, gets it, gets it, gets it. I am painfully aware that Dennis is gone no matter how I try to will him back. Thing is...my heart DOESN'T LISTEN, doesn't listen, doesn't listen. Driving down that Interstate made me intimately aware of loss. The Bradford Pear and Red Bud trees were in full bloom, the grass was a deep green and it took me back! Dennis and I made lifelong friends that attended ORU with him and we made countless memories with them during that year. I started talking out loud, trying to recall events, people, smells. I wanted to recapture every single moment of time spent in this place but it was impossible. Had we turned off here? Did we travel there? The memories of so many of those precious treasures are blurred as moments became weeks, and weeks months and months years. I so wanted my tears to wash away the film that dulled my recollection of every special moment that built the great love story with our names as the leading man and woman. A love story that would outlast silly immaturity's in early years, difficulties and victories all of us in ministry encounter, painful infertility issues, fear of loss during life-threatening cancer, painful decisions while caring for all four of our parents, and now, outlast even physical death of the temporary body. How thankful to the Lord I am for having experienced such DEEP LOVE even though the loss of it hurts so deeply it cannot be described.
One thing is certain, PASSION IS CONTAGIOUS. Because of Dennis' passion for life, every single place we have been holds memories so precious to me. In every stop on our journey, Dennis helped others to see the positives rather the negatives about themselves and their future. He built up rather than tore down and my friends, that leaves a mark!
My prayer is that I will be able to keep my mind intact for the days that remain on earth for me so NOT ONE SINGLE PRECIOUS MEMORY IS FORGOTTEN.
"Like a shepherd, He will care for his flock,
gathering the lambs in His arms,
Hugging them as He carries them,
leading the nursing ewes to good pasture,
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me. He doesn't care what happens to me?"
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
GOD DOESN'T COME AND GO. GOD LASTS.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
HE DOESN'T GET TIRED OUT, DOESN'T PAUSE TO CATCH HIS BREATH.
AND HE KNOW EVERYTHING, INSIDE AND OUT. Isaiah 40: 11, 27 The Message
Let me admit something right here ~~ It isn't easy letting go of the past. Why is that you might ask?? Easy enough to answer, because Dennis is in my past and I want to be where he is. Also have to admit that although my physical body is out there (going to one activity after another), my emotional heart has yet to venture out into the land of the living. There are some who seem to think that there is a certain time allotment of grief and when that magical number comes up, grief is spent and it is time to move on. Well, all I can say is this, the journey is different and very personal for each individual. It is something that you just can't grasp until you have been there AND even then, the roads we all travel are just not the same.
Tulsa, Oklahoma is important because after leaving Southwestern A/G College (UNIV) after his sophomore year (he graduated from the Junior College) Dennis attended Oral Roberts University in Tulsa. It was the 1972/1973 school year and I was completing my second year at Southwestern. We kept the road hot between Waxahachie, TX and Tulsa. The first time to see ORU, I was awe struck. What a beautiful campus it was with the prayer tower and the towering dormitory buildings. It was this year that we really fell in love and in September of 1973 Dennis would propose. What bittersweet memories flashed across my mind as I saw from afar the outline of buildings at ORU and recalled familiar street names I passed on the Interstate. Why can't I be one of those people who keep a daily dairy or journal so the pages could be thumbed through and every memory of what we did and where we went could be recounted? During what month and on what day did we first mention the word "LOVE"? What activities did we attend, what friends did I meet, what restaurants did we eat at, who came with me and on and on. Dennis would be able to recount the answer to most of those questions because his memory was extraordinary as any of you who knew him at all could attest to. Why didn't he and I write down our story together, with each recalling the specifics from different points of view? Why? Because we think we have FOREVER and tomorrow we will do those things until tomorrow is today and it is too late.
My brain/intellect GETS it friends, gets it, gets it, gets it. I am painfully aware that Dennis is gone no matter how I try to will him back. Thing is...my heart DOESN'T LISTEN, doesn't listen, doesn't listen. Driving down that Interstate made me intimately aware of loss. The Bradford Pear and Red Bud trees were in full bloom, the grass was a deep green and it took me back! Dennis and I made lifelong friends that attended ORU with him and we made countless memories with them during that year. I started talking out loud, trying to recall events, people, smells. I wanted to recapture every single moment of time spent in this place but it was impossible. Had we turned off here? Did we travel there? The memories of so many of those precious treasures are blurred as moments became weeks, and weeks months and months years. I so wanted my tears to wash away the film that dulled my recollection of every special moment that built the great love story with our names as the leading man and woman. A love story that would outlast silly immaturity's in early years, difficulties and victories all of us in ministry encounter, painful infertility issues, fear of loss during life-threatening cancer, painful decisions while caring for all four of our parents, and now, outlast even physical death of the temporary body. How thankful to the Lord I am for having experienced such DEEP LOVE even though the loss of it hurts so deeply it cannot be described.
One thing is certain, PASSION IS CONTAGIOUS. Because of Dennis' passion for life, every single place we have been holds memories so precious to me. In every stop on our journey, Dennis helped others to see the positives rather the negatives about themselves and their future. He built up rather than tore down and my friends, that leaves a mark!
My prayer is that I will be able to keep my mind intact for the days that remain on earth for me so NOT ONE SINGLE PRECIOUS MEMORY IS FORGOTTEN.
"Like a shepherd, He will care for his flock,
gathering the lambs in His arms,
Hugging them as He carries them,
leading the nursing ewes to good pasture,
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me. He doesn't care what happens to me?"
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
GOD DOESN'T COME AND GO. GOD LASTS.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
HE DOESN'T GET TIRED OUT, DOESN'T PAUSE TO CATCH HIS BREATH.
AND HE KNOW EVERYTHING, INSIDE AND OUT. Isaiah 40: 11, 27 The Message
Monday, March 14, 2011
My Journey Through Grief
One thing has become abundantly clear to me through the process of almost seven months on a journey of grief, despair, pain and possibly hope? There are so many people hurting and they aren't sure where or who to turn to. The journey we are on comes most times without the luxury of preparation. Even when a loved one has been ill and the prognosis poor, the THOUGHT of preparing for this particular journey is not even entertained. We are believing for our miracle...aren't we?? We all know that before we embark on any kind of trip, what we carry in our bags has been carefully thought out and we are prepared for any kind of weather, event or accident, our goods ready to be whipped out in an instant of need. However, here we are, ill-prepared and lacking even the most basic necessities. Some of us have an iron-clad trust in God and the knowledge that He will see us through but others of us feel shaken, abandoned, undone. There isn't any single one of us traveling the same exact road as there seems to be thousands of little back roads all named LOSS.
My support system has been magnificent. Family and friends seem to be mourning the loss of Dennis along with me with such acute intensity. He was a person who made a huge splash and impacted those around him to such a degree that his absence now causes some feelings of despair and disappointment. Why disappointment you ask? It's because of the awareness that possibly no other person in this lifetime will take the time to champion them like Dennis did.
Several times people have asked me what I miss the most with Dennis gone. That question is difficult to answer because there are thousands of things I miss but think there are three main areas I can pinpoint. They are as follows:
LOSS OF HISTORY: Dennis knew my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends & neighbors from childhood. My grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and many cousins are all gone now. Not even my Sara ever met her great grandparents and enjoyed 3 of her 4 grandparents only until she was a young teen. He met me when I was seventeen years old and a freshman at Southwestern Assemblies of God College (now University). He was the much "older" and mature nineteen year old sophomore. Although it was never spoken at the time, it was a "done deal" the minute we met. I think back to that immature girl he fell in love with and marvel at how he championed me into the woman I aspired to become and he loved me through every stage of that process. He knew my dreams and fears, my weaknesses and my strengths and yet he loved me. We shared our hopes for a family, the delight of our precious Sara after ten years of marriage and the shock and fear of his cancer journey. We ministered, pastored, mentored and taught together, learning from our mistakes and pressing forward in our attempt to become all that the Lord would have us become as we journeyed through the spring, summer and into the autumn of our life together.
How can one even BEGIN to measure the impact of those milestones? Dennis knew my history as I knew his and we made our history together with every expectation of growing old into the winter of our lives.
LOSS OF IDENTITY: I was perfectly happy to be known as Dennis' wife (and later as Sara's mother). He was the Godly spiritual leader of our home and what a wonderful joy it was to have that blessing. He held me in high esteem and never felt a threat as he was confident in who he was. He knew EVERYONE and he remembered who they were and was so interested in them. I rode along, not needing to remember names and details because he NEVER FORGOT!! From the day we promised "Forever" it was always Dennis & Teena and now the best part of that duo is gone. How does one recover from a loss that great? Don't ask me because I DO NOT KNOW IF IT IS POSSIBLE!
LOSS OF ALL DENNIS BROUGHT TO THE TABLE: I could write for years and not be able to list all of what he contributed to this world but will highlight the ones I thought of first. LOVE FOR THE LORD, LOVE FOR OTHERS, UNWAVERING FAITH, OPTIMISTIC ALWAYS POSITIVE OUTLOOK, EVER INCREASING ABILITY TO SEE BEYOND WHAT A PERSON WAS TODAY AND TO SEE THE POTENTIAL OF WHAT THEY COULD BECOME. He loved unconditionally - need I say more?
Can I really help and encourage others on this road called Loss? Don't really know. Everyone has a different story, different history, different identity. I want to assist but at the same time am afraid that my journey experience will be so different from others that they can't relate to mine. I have to be HONEST here: I WANT MY LIFE BACK!! I LOVED MY LIFE, MY DENNIS! Yes, I move one foot in front of the other and move forward but it isn't easy and to be truthful, I find myself reliving the past because that is where Dennis is!! Without the Lord, it is hard to gauge where this road would have led. He is my center and although I've been like a pendulum, back and forth and all over the place, I find my way back to center, home, to Jesus Himself. He has not been disillusioned by my questioning, the puzzlement, my inability to "let it be." I want answers, want to know why and for what purpose! What could I have done differently to change the end result? Why not take me and leave Dennis who was accomplishing so much for God's kingdom? Don't have a clue why and have been met with SILENCE although I have felt His all encompassing arms of compassion, mercy & peace. A good friend, Kim, who has been where I am and at a much younger age than my 57 years, has told me the following more than once: "When you demand answers, you sacrifice peace." She is right and I am listening. (thank you dear friend) I'm not ready to "give it up" yet but am on the road. Don't know when this leg of my journey ends and the next begins but the Lord does, and for now, that's enough for me.
My support system has been magnificent. Family and friends seem to be mourning the loss of Dennis along with me with such acute intensity. He was a person who made a huge splash and impacted those around him to such a degree that his absence now causes some feelings of despair and disappointment. Why disappointment you ask? It's because of the awareness that possibly no other person in this lifetime will take the time to champion them like Dennis did.
Several times people have asked me what I miss the most with Dennis gone. That question is difficult to answer because there are thousands of things I miss but think there are three main areas I can pinpoint. They are as follows:
LOSS OF HISTORY: Dennis knew my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends & neighbors from childhood. My grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and many cousins are all gone now. Not even my Sara ever met her great grandparents and enjoyed 3 of her 4 grandparents only until she was a young teen. He met me when I was seventeen years old and a freshman at Southwestern Assemblies of God College (now University). He was the much "older" and mature nineteen year old sophomore. Although it was never spoken at the time, it was a "done deal" the minute we met. I think back to that immature girl he fell in love with and marvel at how he championed me into the woman I aspired to become and he loved me through every stage of that process. He knew my dreams and fears, my weaknesses and my strengths and yet he loved me. We shared our hopes for a family, the delight of our precious Sara after ten years of marriage and the shock and fear of his cancer journey. We ministered, pastored, mentored and taught together, learning from our mistakes and pressing forward in our attempt to become all that the Lord would have us become as we journeyed through the spring, summer and into the autumn of our life together.
How can one even BEGIN to measure the impact of those milestones? Dennis knew my history as I knew his and we made our history together with every expectation of growing old into the winter of our lives.
LOSS OF IDENTITY: I was perfectly happy to be known as Dennis' wife (and later as Sara's mother). He was the Godly spiritual leader of our home and what a wonderful joy it was to have that blessing. He held me in high esteem and never felt a threat as he was confident in who he was. He knew EVERYONE and he remembered who they were and was so interested in them. I rode along, not needing to remember names and details because he NEVER FORGOT!! From the day we promised "Forever" it was always Dennis & Teena and now the best part of that duo is gone. How does one recover from a loss that great? Don't ask me because I DO NOT KNOW IF IT IS POSSIBLE!
LOSS OF ALL DENNIS BROUGHT TO THE TABLE: I could write for years and not be able to list all of what he contributed to this world but will highlight the ones I thought of first. LOVE FOR THE LORD, LOVE FOR OTHERS, UNWAVERING FAITH, OPTIMISTIC ALWAYS POSITIVE OUTLOOK, EVER INCREASING ABILITY TO SEE BEYOND WHAT A PERSON WAS TODAY AND TO SEE THE POTENTIAL OF WHAT THEY COULD BECOME. He loved unconditionally - need I say more?
Can I really help and encourage others on this road called Loss? Don't really know. Everyone has a different story, different history, different identity. I want to assist but at the same time am afraid that my journey experience will be so different from others that they can't relate to mine. I have to be HONEST here: I WANT MY LIFE BACK!! I LOVED MY LIFE, MY DENNIS! Yes, I move one foot in front of the other and move forward but it isn't easy and to be truthful, I find myself reliving the past because that is where Dennis is!! Without the Lord, it is hard to gauge where this road would have led. He is my center and although I've been like a pendulum, back and forth and all over the place, I find my way back to center, home, to Jesus Himself. He has not been disillusioned by my questioning, the puzzlement, my inability to "let it be." I want answers, want to know why and for what purpose! What could I have done differently to change the end result? Why not take me and leave Dennis who was accomplishing so much for God's kingdom? Don't have a clue why and have been met with SILENCE although I have felt His all encompassing arms of compassion, mercy & peace. A good friend, Kim, who has been where I am and at a much younger age than my 57 years, has told me the following more than once: "When you demand answers, you sacrifice peace." She is right and I am listening. (thank you dear friend) I'm not ready to "give it up" yet but am on the road. Don't know when this leg of my journey ends and the next begins but the Lord does, and for now, that's enough for me.
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